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18 People Who Got Caught Crankin’ It at Work

 

18 People Who Got Caught Crankin’ It at Work

Admit it, there’s at least one moment every day when you have an intense desire to start masturbating at work. Everyone has such thoughts, but few act on them; or, those who do act on them don’t talk about it. In fact, the only reason we know there are people getting off on the job is stories of dum dums jerking it on a shift and getting caught. Some of these people getting the job done at work ended up dying from autoerotic asphyxiation, or from jerking it so effing hard their bodies gave up. Not every white collar jerker who got up to naughty bathroom office hijinks died; some had a great time until the law caught up.

It’s debatable whether double clicking the mouse at work is a bad thing. It really depends on where you work. Obviously, if you’re the manager at a daycare, you shouldn’t be whipping heavy cream 9 to 5, but if you work as an editor in the porn industry, you can’t be blamed for sneaking off to the restroom every once in a while to settle your biscuits (that slang makes perfect sense). The heroes in these stories of on-call masturbators shouldn’t have been wanking on the clock, but sometimes you need a little one-on-one time.

 

Guy Gets Caught Crankin’ It, Blames Girlfriend
Photo:  Paramount

Aren’t girlfriends the worst? They do nice stuff for you while putting up with inane conversation about fantasy football, and sometimes even send you naked pictures at work. UGH, WOMEN.

One Redditor got into a spot of bother at work after his no-good gf sent him a saucy picture and he decided the only proper response was immediately launching a mucus plug from his crotch catapult. To quote the man himself: “In combination with the animal urge I also needed a sh*t so thought I could kill two birds with one stone… I. SPUNKED. A LOT. I’m not talking your ickle dribble, I’m talking volcanic eruption.”

Cool story. Unfortunately, homeslice doubted whether or not he efficiently removed all his pearl lava, because, as he was leaving the bathroom after dropping his milk dud, one of his bosses stopped him and asked about the mess in the stall. In a moment of panic, Office Jerk Bro lied about which stall he had been in and was busted on the even more heinous office crime of smearing sh*t all over the place. Which someone did in the stall right next to him.

To break this down: the guy spun web like Charlotte in the bathroom. Someone had recently experimented with abstract expressionism on the walls and floor of an adjacent stall, employing excrement as paint. Which begs some questions:

  • Who was smearing sh*t everywhere, and why?
  • Was He Who Must Cream At Work prepping his rocket launch while inhaling the rank barnyard wreak of human dung festooned on nearby walls like guts in a slaughterhouse?
  • Did he recognize his sh*t wasn’t the only sh*t he was smelling?
  • If so, did he at any point think, “Man, it smells like sh*t in here. This is a weird place to be lovingly tending this pic my gf sent.”
  • Or, is he of the 2 Girls, 1 Cup persuasion, and did the nether stink serve to further engorge the veiny Panama Canal on the underside of his Central America?
When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong, Work Jerk Edition
Photo:  Entertainment Film Distributors

When was the last time you masturbated yourself to death? Never? Sucks for you.

In 2016, the naked body of a man who worked for the North Central Bronx Hospital was found slumped over in a chair near a computer supplying an endless deluge of filth. Police say it was clear he was pleasuring himself at the time of death. The hospital had no comment, but internally they probably released a memo that said something to the effect of “Ewwwwwwww. Please don’t die grooming your prize hog at the office.”

ER Doctor Knocks Women Out, Skeets On Their Faces
Photo: Showtime Networks

 

Either David Newman, a 45-year-old father of two and ER doctor at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City, was trying to get jailed on a dare, or he thought he was invisible. In 2016, Newman was charged with five counts of sexual abuse against four patients after a 29-year-old woman he treated for shoulder pain told police he gave her morphine then masturbated on her. In a civil suit, prosecutors said semen found on her eye and face tested positive for Newman’s DNA. Eye and face.

Newman told police the jizz in her eye was the accidental result of an anaconda-wrangling sesh he had before performing her operation. “I am embarrassed because I w*nked off in the lounge, and it was possible that that the ejaculate may have gone from my hands to the woman’s blanket. Semen may have also transferred from my hand to my face during the time I treated her.” 

He then tried to gaslight the woman by saying she was so high on morphine there’s no way she could know if she were being sexually assaulted.

The happy ending to this story is that, in December 2016, Newman admitted in court he sexually assaulted the women he was meant to be treating. He received two years in prison rather than the more apt lifetime of men knocking him out with morphine to blast brogurt across his face.

Security Guard Dies Exploring Autoerotic Asphyxiation, Gas Masks, And Poppers
Photo:  Netflix

Everyone’s been in this situation. You know, where you’re at work and you masturbate so hard you die?

In 2008, Ralph Santiago was found dead in the men’s restroom of the building where he worked wearing Wellies, a wetsuit, and gas mask. There was a gas canister nearby. More rubber and latex outfits were found in his car, and the women’s restroom. According to a police inquest, the night before Santiago died, he researched using poppers with a gas mask to increase sexual gratification.

56-Year-Old Delta Mentor Routinely Lubes Piston While Watching Young Women Work
Photo: Lionsgate

Mike Keve, a 25-year veteran of Delta Airlines, spent most of his time at the airline fixating on his chronic masturbation problem. His love of pleasuring himself on the job was so well known that, when two female co-workers mentioned his behavior up to supervisors, no action was taken. The women, Lauren Heffernan and Kayla Jenkins, were 29 and 19 respectively. Keve was 56.

Keve routinely watched Heffernan and Jenkins, whom he was supposed to mentor, while he brought his chair into the upright position.. He allegedly once said to his superior, “I’m horny. Hey Peter, let me sit at your desk and rub one out by the window so everyone could see.”

News of Keve self-milking at the office didn’t come out until Heffernan was fired after complaining to HR. She filed a $10 million lawsuit against the airline. According to a New York Post piece on the incident

“Jenkins first noticed Keve’s offensive hobby when she heard his keyboard go silent on Feb. 4, 2016, around 3:15 p.m. ‘At that moment Jenkins saw Keve sitting at his desk, with his penis out,’ the suit says… Just days later, Heffernan looked up from her cubicle to see Keve ‘staring’ at her as he reclined in his chair and masturbated…”

EPA Workers Misunderstand Acronym In A Big Way, Still Multitask Efficiently
Photo: Relativity Media

“Hey buddy, it’s the Environmental Protection Agency, not the Erection Polishing Agency,” is what someone should have said to the men caught watching around six hours of porn a day at their cubicles. That’s a lot of porn, by the way. It’s probably more porn than people who are in porn watch per day.

One of the guys busted P-ing his E at the A (turns out there aren’t a ton of masturbation metaphors) noted he didn’t tenderize his tube steak in his cubicle, despite watching all the porn there. In fact, he killed two birds with one stone, maximizing efficiency with mobile tech by releasing nut cream and turd at the same time. “They asked me if I had behaved inappropriately in my cube hinting that they had found evidence of semen on my laptop. I told them I did not masturbate in the cubicle but admitted that I had done so while sitting on the toilet in the men’s room.”

Do you want to feel even worse about your life decisions? Think about what you do for a living and how much you make. The workplace eel tamer quoted above was a geologist in the EPA’s Office of Air and Radiation who earned $120,000 a year plus bonuses while watching an average of two-to-six hours of porn per day at work. It’s also stated he downloaded more than 7,000 porn files on an agency server.

To make matters even more of a existential nightmare, the rock polishing geologist received pay (and probably benefits) for two years after he was caught. Keep in mind the EPA was funded by around $8.2 Billion in taxpayer money in 2016, so you helped pay this guy to sharpen his knife while he was supposed to be making sure you breathe clean air.

Cop Just Off Duty And Still In Uniform Buffs His Billy Club To A Teenage Girl In a Skirt
Photo: 20th Century Fox

Kelvin McKenzie, an officer at St. Albans Police Station in Hertfordshire, England, was busted by a passing cyclist slapping the cuffs on his wretched cudgel of a penis while driving home. What might have titillated him such that he unsheathed his groin rapier and oiled its blade in public view? According to the witness, “He was looking straight ahead. There was a girl walking along on my side of the pavement, about 16-17, slim, wearing a skirt.”

To make matters worse, McKenzie tried to get out of the mess by claiming someone had “cloned his plates,” and it wasn’t him seen masturbating in his car, dressed like a police officer, with his face. Yikes yikes yikes.

The cyclist who caught McKenzie hammering his hot iron told The Daily Star, “I assumed he was trying to put his seat belt in but as I looked in the window I could see what he was doing. The passenger window was open. I saw his penis in his hand. He was going up and down with his right hand. His left hand was on the steering wheel.”

Chargers Security Guard Caught Going For A TD And Two Inch Conversion In His Pants
Photo: Universal Pictures

To be fair to this security guard for the San Diego Chargers, who was fired after he was caught on video furiously fighting for that one inch near the team’s cheerleaders during a game against the Oakland Raiders in 2016, there’s not a lot going on at a Chargers game. To quote a report from TMZ:

“The clip shows a guy in a red jacket, repeatedly jerking his hand while in the pocket of his pants.

We checked, and the the jacket he’s wearing does match up with other guards — who work for Elite Security — in Qualcomm Stadium.

The team hasn’t identified the guy in the video, but issued a statement saying … ‘We are aware of the disturbing actions of an Elite security staff member at Sunday’s game. We apologize to any fans who may have witnessed the incident.'”

A Congolese Minister Pounds His Enormous Yam To A Cam Girl In The Church Office
Photo: IFC Film

Take heed, dummies: if you’re gonna jerk it in front of your laptop, cover your web cam with some tape. Congolese Minister Enock Ruberangaba Sebineza learned this the hard way when video of him attending the flock beneath his smock in his office to a cam girl went viral in 2016.

According to The Whistler, in an article it seems Sebineza wrote himself, “The video shows the minister gets out his huge penis to masturbate, ejaculate, and dutifully secure his ‘produce’ using a white piece of cloth.” Can everyone agree on these two things? (A) Don’t masturbate in your office if you’re a minister; and (B) stop calling referring to semen as “produce.” BLECH.

As you might guess, the minister was fired from his post in April 2016. But he still has that giant crotch octopus tentacle waving around in his khakis. He may also find relief in this comment, from the article linked above: “so sorry about dat.u were sacked from such a big possition.the devil can do anything to ruin a man.your career is finished.but seek succor in God almighty he will see u through the shame.time heals.”

Cop Waves His Wang Around In His Cruiser To Keep Himself Awake After A Hard Shift
Photo: Good Machine Releasing

Boy, cops are the worst, right? Glenn C. Woolard, a police officer in Bethlehem PA, was caught skinning his ferret in his cruiser in October 2016 by a woman driving a box truck. The woman told a State Trooper Woolard was “waving it around,” an accusation the officer initially denied, then admitted to, along with purposefully exposing himself in a Target parking lot the previous week. If you’re gonna fire liquid arrows in public, you might as well be aiming at something, right?

Woolard defended himself by saying he was trying to “stimulate himself and stay awake while driving home from work.” If only there was a liquid substance you could ingest to keep you from falling awake. OH WELL.

School Aide Goes Above And Beyond All Expectations Of Being A Creep
Photo: Warner Bros

In December 2016, 23-year-old school aide Robert Sutton Jr. was caught sending a teenage girl a photo of his penis and a video of himself masturbating, which he filmed at Brooklyn Technical High School. Sutton met the girl while doing clerical work at a school she attended, got her number (already over the line), then, after transferring to Brooklyn Tech, his creep mode went into overdrive, and he sent her pictures of his abs and d*ck a video of him masturbating at work. When confronted with the evidence, Sutton resigned.

A parent quoted in the New York Post said of the incident, “The fact that the video was taken in school is what is so troubling.” That is the one troubling thing about this.

Horny Policeman Throws Away Substantial Pension Sexting Prostitutes He Arrested
Photo: Columbia Pictures

Oh brother. As if it weren’t bad enough Luke Smith referred to himself as a “horny policeman,” he thought it would be totes awesome to film himself masturbating in a police station bathroom and send it to prostitutes he had arrested over the course of his illustrious career as a criminal posing as a police officer. The Sussex (UK) police officer was caught after looked up contact information for a woman he assisted in a dispute with a neighbor, so he could text her. Yikes.

After he was caught, Smith went to trial and received 15 months in prison for misconduct in public office and illegally obtaining personal data. He openly wept as the sentence was handed down.

Speaking on the matter, defense lawyer James Mason said

“It was an horrific, hideous error of judgment. It was bizarre and unusual behavior. He has two young children aged two and four who he loves dearly and he is full of genuine remorse.

He has destroyed his career and dynamited his police pension of several hundred thousand pounds. He has been looking for work as a lorry driver. Being a police constable was a job he loved. His children are now living with his now ex-partner. His career is in ruins because of his sexual urges.”

Monk Masturbates, Quits Job (Maybe To Continue Masturbating)
Photo: Relativity Media

Did you know it’s against the monk code to masturbate? You’d assume living a life of solitude would mean the monastery rocks to the sound of pious bros waxing candles at all hours, but apparently that’s not the case. In June 2016, a Buddhist monk who had been filming himself trimming the Ficus religiosa while flashing hot wads of cash was defrocked for violating Buddhist principles.

The monk made the oldest excuse in the book when his naughty pics and vids were found online; he claimed he had lost his phone and someone hacked into his accounts. which actually doesn’t really relieve him of responsibility for filming himself dutifully attending the shrine, only of putting the material online. Brother Spankaddict released a statement saying, “I will leave the monkhood to preserve the value of Buddhism and the purity of the monks living in and outside of Cambodia and in order for Buddhist followers to be satisfied with my unexpected, complicated scandal.”

Paunchy Perv At Pizza Hut Smacks Around His Nuts At The Drive Thru For Teenage Girls
Photo: United Artists

It’s a well known fact grown men who work at chain pizza joints have nothing to live for except eating discarded slices out of the trash. Alas, given the base nature of the human mind, teenage girls catching a jello-gutted middle-aged man smacking around his rod and tackle at a Pizza Hut drive through window in Lexington, KY doesn’t seem out of the ordinary. Maybe men should declare a moratorium on spanking it in front of of teenage girls? Or any girls? Or women in general? Or anyone, really? And animals too? Except for raccoons and the like, who would bite it off. Where’s Ranger Rick when you need him? Or McGruff. Take a bite out of crime indeed.

After photos of the incident were posted to Reddit, bigwigs as Pizza Hut got in touch with the family to let them know the company fired the offending sausage and pepperoni feeler. The mother of the girls made it known she contacted the local health department, saying she aimed to

“[explain] my fears of him just going to another food chain. I assure you I’m not just going to let it go. I’m not just upset about what happened to my girls but concerned for the community and how this could effect all who have eaten here while this man was employed there.”

7-11 Employee Behaves Exactly How You Would Expect A 7-11 Employee To Act (No Offense)
Photo: 20th Television

If you’re working at 7-Eleven, your life probably hasn’t gone the way you thought it would. Either your Insane Clown Posse cover band never took off or your thriving meth dealership went under, either way you’re not excited about working at 7-Eleven. In 2014, an employee at an unknown 7-Eleven filmed himself masturbating in the back of the store and uploaded it for the world to see. You can check the video out on a Tumblr page called Gay Heaven Is A Place On Earth.

English Van Operator Strokes The Jerky While Driving, Gets Off Easy
Photo: Universal Pictures

It took 11 months for the police to track down Lee Baldwin, a van driver who caught masturbating and watching porn on his phone while traveling on the M25, a highway that encircles London. When the bobbies finally caught Baldwin, he was taken to court and given a fine, but not hit with any charges – which is f*cking crazy, by the way, because he was operating a vehicle capable of murder under the most controlled circumstances, let alone when operated by a man smashing his weathered genitals while cruising a motorway in one of the world’s biggest cities.

As quoted in The Sun, a spokesperson for Brake, a UK driving safety charity, said

“Driving is an incredibly hard task and any unnecessary distraction whilst driving, is cause for concern. Driver distraction is thought to be one of the biggest contributory factors in devastating serious crashes on our roads. That’s why all drivers need to have their hands on the wheel and keep their minds completely focused on the road at all times and not attempt to multi-task – any distraction could be fatal.”

Security Guard On A Break Tries Full Contact Phone Sex In His Car To Disastrous Results
Photo: Fox Searchlight Pictures

Luke Ryan Sauer, a security guard in Palo Alto, CA, was busted “committing a lewd act” while talking on the phone, sat in his car, clad in his uniform, on a break at work. After being reported for tending the spineless cactus on the job, Sauer was indefinitely suspended by Cypress Security. There’s no word on whether or not he used the Ross Geller defense: “we were on a break.”

Providence Degenerate Rhodes His Island In A Car With Female Co-Worker
Photo: Entertainment One

Robert Thoren, a 44 year old employee of the Providence, RI Water Supply Board, was suspended without pay after he was arrested for allegedly masturbating in front of a female colleague in June 2016. According to the woman, Thoren exposed himself to her while they were going from one work site to another. Then he masturbated. The woman offered a video of the incident, but it’s hard to imagine anyone would want to watch. Is there a switch someone can flip than can shut down all men for a year or two?

 

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