As the saying goes, if the shoe fits, wear it. The following stories show that even shoes aren’t out of the question when it comes to the masturbatory arts. From things you might find in the produce aisle to common household items, these women (and a few guys, as well) come clean. Can you one-up them?

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When I lived with my (conservative Asian) parents I was too scared to have sex toys in case my mum found them, so I used to masturbate using a carrot wrapped in kitchen cling film.

Also, due to my frugal bringing up, I would always feel guilty about throwing the carrot away afterwards, like I’m throwing away perfectly good food.

The Whole Nine Yards
Here is a list of things that I have masturbated with:

From the bathroom: Hairspray, curling iron, foot massager, toothbrush, shampoo bottle, razor (not the razor end, I’m horny not crazy), electric razor, hairbrush, basically anything that comes in a bottle.

From the kitchen: Cucumbers, bananas, celery, corn on the cob, meat pounder(tenderizer?), turkey baster, I made an ice penis once it was not for me, beer bottles, wine bottles, spoons feel good.

Everywhere else: Toy sword, water balloons, vacuum (not as a dildo, but it still warrants a place here), gear stick, trophy, the handle side of a baseball bat, play station controller, remote, costume jewelry.

This is by no means an inclusive list, but I am starting to have trouble thinking of things.

Super Classy
I worked (at an adult toy shop) with a woman who was into vaginal stretching. She would boast about the fact that she could sit on a beer can. Super classy.

Dad’s Home
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Girlfriend was using a banana to masturbate and didn’t hear her dad come home. He started asking her a question just outside the door and she panicked, pulled it out and started eating it so he wouldn’t suspect. He stood and talked to her while she ate the whole thing.

Let There Be Light
One day, post-coitus, my boyfriend and I scanned the room for things to put in my vagina because we were bored. So a flashlight (hoping we could turn it on inside and see light come out of my vagina) and a cowbell. Yes, I rang it.

Bi-curious Boyfriend
My friend’s sister dated this guy who was questioning his sexuality. He was also dumb. To figure out whether or not he was gay, he stuck a carrot up his ass. Turns out that penetration wasn’t for him! So, in confidence, he told his girlfriend that he washed the carrot off and put it back in the fridge.

His family ate a carrot that was stuck up his ass. He saw nothing wrong with this.

She broke up with him, and I think the carrot thing definitely had something to do with it, but she didn’t tell him that.

My friend, after he found out from his sister about the carrot, bought her a carrot cake for her birthday. Her parents were like “Ooh!” and she looked like she was going to kill him.

Eventually, my friend’s sister had to explain why my friend always bought her a carrot cake for her birthday. Now, whenever we go out to eat, her mother always points out carrot cake when its on the menu.

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I was mid-teens and had to hide this old lady’s meth pipe in my pussy because she had just died right in front of me as I tried to call an ambulance. So there I was, being asked questions by paramedics about this old lady I barely knew, who had just fucking died right in front of me, with her meth pipe wedged up in me.

Ah, Childhood
I had a toy dinner set from when I was little in my cupboard. The first time I got curious about anal, I had to find something small enough that it wouldn’t hurt. So I used the handle of one of the spoons from my childhood toy.

Interesting Couple
One time my boyfriend blindfolded me during foreplay and stuck an airsoft gun up there. Did not feel good.

Masturbation MacGyver
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Aside from several jumbo sharpies, a travel hairspray can and various handles (ranging from nail polish to spatulas). I actually used to fashion my own from age 13 on. I would take a decently long hair brush handle, wrap a sock around it, and then stretch the middle finger of a latex glove over it. I even used to twist the top of the sock to try and imitate the glans as I got older.

Then I found out you could buy them without being carded at Spencer’s, and I never went back.

Ice Dildo
I’ll be honest, when I was like 12 and curious, I tried to make an ice dildo by freezing water in a ziplock bag in a somewhat cylindrical manner.

Bad idea. Bad idea all around.

A bunch of weed I was sneaking onto a plane. It was wrapped in plastic.

Sounds Legit
A while ago, I’d been put on antibiotics for strep throat which resulted in a yeast infection. Desperate for a home remedy to avoid going to the doctor again so soon, I researched holistic remedies online and stumbled upon the idea of inserting a clove of garlic. Despite being a bit skeptical, I figured it was harmless and worth a shot if not just for shits and giggles. That night, I popped a clove up there, and the itching was gone by morning. The rest of the symptoms cleared up as the day went on.

Frozen Hot Dog
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There was a girl in my town who used a frozen hot dog once, but didn’t realize just how warm the vagina is. The hot dog thawed inside of her and broke off. She had to go to the ER to get it removed. I told this story to a buddy. We ran into her at the beach and then he started to date her. She ruined our friendship with her hot dog vagina.

Quite the Pickle
I used a pickle in a condom and hid it under my bed in fear that my parents would find out. I found it 2-3 days later in not so bad shape, so I rinsed it and used it again. That situation happened twice…maybe three times.

And a size 15 knitting needle, but knob end first. I was curious, not stupid.

Wrong Hole
Probably super tame compared to what others are going to say, but a butt plug. I ordered one and didn’t realize how big it would be. I refuse to use it in the back door.

It just sits in there, but it feels awesome having it in when fapping.

I have also tried using a 360 controller on my clit. (You know that SMG gun in Borderlands 2 you get from Moxxi that makes the controller constantly vibrate… yeah…) It didn’t do shit. I felt stupid.

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Not really “in” but I used to masturbate with a rollerblade. I would just run the wheels up and down until I came…still haven’t had a comparable orgasm.

I don’t know why I remember this, but it was probably around kindergarten that I did it. I didn’t know that girls have vaginas, so I assumed they had some kind of hair sized penis that went inside a man’s penis, and that’s what I thought sex was. So one time I was taking a bath and playing with some Lego boats that I built. I took one of the antennas off of the boat and started to stick it in my dickhole. I only got about a millimeter deep before I stopped. Then I wondered why adults liked sex so much.



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