1. When in doubt, more Star Trek.
2. Don’t get frustrated, every dick is bound to have its day.
3. The best porn comes with cookies.
4. The worst porn comes with apples.
5. “No homo” is not legally binding.
6. Crowdsource your best one liners.
7. Penises and dogs are the same thing. Dog penises cancel each other out.
8. Love will never hurt as bad as real life.
9. Or feel as good as toasty blankies.
10. In case your forget how to do the hand jobbies, sing this song.
11. Make a pros and cons list before exploring new territory.
12. Those who forget history are bound to repeat it.
13. Make the bard proud.
14. Don’t forget that some people don’t like dicks — try a heartfelt vagina instead.
15. The hardest questions usually have the most fruitful answers.
16. Never have sex with an elected official.
17. You do you.
18. Don’t let an advice column tell you how to have sex.
19. ESPECIALLY IF IT’S IN COSMO. NEVER LISTEN TOCOSMO. NEVER.