You aren’t weird anymore.
The official spot for your tweezers can finally be the coffee table. Just remember to hide them in cushions before anyone comes over.
There is a ghost that comes in to make the sink really dirty.
This whole time you thought your roommate was disgusting, but now that you live alone there has to be some other reason your sink looks like a dog walked through an omelet and then into your bathroom.
You don’t need clothes to make the microwave work.
And there is no point in cooking for one.
Unless you have some tupperware and self-control, you aren’t going to save any money.
The oven can technically hold anything.
It is very easy to murder plants.
And hard to drown out the voices in your head.
This is what TVs are for.
Maintaining friendships is even harder.
Why would you spend time with anyone when you could just disappear into your couch?
And it’s not like anyone is keeping tabs on how social you are anyway.
I’m very busy and important.
It is terrifying to get sick.
Every breath you take while you are sick could be your last, and If you don’t live in a city where you can order NyQuill delivered, you might as well die.
And ads for life-alert seem like they’re being targeted directly to you.
On the bright side, when you live through your drunken stumbles, no one is there to mock you.
The bugs came for you.
If your keys go missing, you can always find them here:
I know. It’s going to be ok.
If you’re in a dry spell, No one knows how long it’s been since you’ve had sex
If you do want to know, you can just take my cat’s age and add two months.
And if you are fucking, you don’t have to worry about roommates overhearing you.
Or deal with other humans interrupting at all.
If anyone has a problem with it, they can slide a note under your door.
Meanwhile, you are hearing things that will never be explained.
Either someone just broke into my house or I’m having auditory hallucinations.
So you cover the noise by talking to yourself….
Or to your brand-new cat!
19 Things You Learn When You Start Living Alone