19 Tweets That Are So Just Goddamn Real It Actually Hurts

Life is pretty expensive given how garbagy it is

— batkaren (@batkaren) March 6, 2016

My email address? Sure, it's "all one word at" all one word "at all one word dot com you got that" all one word ".com". You got that?

— warren christmas (@pharmasean) August 23, 2014

old man: "when i was your age telephones were attached to the wall"
me: [using iphone that's plugged in 14hrs a day] "well that sounds shit"

— k e i t h ?? (@KeetPotato) May 6, 2016

Nobody has been stood up more times than the gym.

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 19, 2016

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2016

Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 26, 2016

me at age 8: if i eat my lunch quicker i have more time for recess

me at age 28: today i will eat lunch at 10:50 and a second lunch at 3:15

— leon ? (@leyawn) May 26, 2016

MOM: just audition! The worst they can say is "no"
[later]
JUDGE: ur worthless and will amount to nothing
[later]
ME: so mom, guess what

— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) March 5, 2016

I'm ready to tell the truth: Despite what I've told people for years, the reality is, I've never actually been sorry my car is such a mess

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 27, 2016

*something bad happens*
Ah just as I expected
*something good happens*
This is some kind of trick

— Hippo (@InternetHippo) May 20, 2016

So much of my adult life has been spent pretending I wasn't going for a high five

— monster neener (@ninatreemonkey) January 20, 2016

How to adult:

At work? Want to go home.

At home? Want to do something.

Doing something? Want to be in bed.

In bed? Don't sleep.

— You know (@Tmoney68) December 29, 2015