19 Tweets That Are So Just Goddamn Real It Actually Hurts
Life is pretty expensive given how garbagy it is
— batkaren (@batkaren) March 6, 2016
My email address? Sure, it's "all one word at" all one word "at all one word dot com you got that" all one word ".com". You got that?
— warren christmas (@pharmasean) August 23, 2014
My email address? Sure, it's "all one word at" all one word "at all one word dot com you got that" all one word ".com". You got that?
— warren christmas (@pharmasean) August 23, 2014
old man: "when i was your age telephones were attached to the wall"
me: [using iphone that's plugged in 14hrs a day] "well that sounds shit"— k e i t h ?? (@KeetPotato) May 6, 2016
Nobody has been stood up more times than the gym.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 19, 2016
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2016
Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 26, 2016
me at age 8: if i eat my lunch quicker i have more time for recess
me at age 28: today i will eat lunch at 10:50 and a second lunch at 3:15
— leon ? (@leyawn) May 26, 2016
MOM: just audition! The worst they can say is "no"
[later]JUDGE: ur worthless and will amount to nothing
[later]ME: so mom, guess what
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) March 5, 2016
I'm ready to tell the truth: Despite what I've told people for years, the reality is, I've never actually been sorry my car is such a mess
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 27, 2016
*something bad happens*
Ah just as I expected
*something good happens*
This is some kind of trick— Hippo (@InternetHippo) May 20, 2016
So much of my adult life has been spent pretending I wasn't going for a high five
— monster neener (@ninatreemonkey) January 20, 2016
How to adult:
At work? Want to go home.
At home? Want to do something.
Doing something? Want to be in bed.
In bed? Don't sleep.
— You know (@Tmoney68) December 29, 2015
personal trainer: so what is ur fitness goal
me: to not hate myself
trainer: lol good luck— goth turtle (@dubstep4dads) May 28, 2016
Waiter: Do you want to take a look at some dessert?
Me: pic.twitter.com/z9LwlIyko2— Tim (@Playing_Dad) May 21, 2016
I'm at my most desperate when food comes but it's too hot to eat.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) January 6, 2016
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) September 17, 2013
“Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them”
So true.