Yes, the Bacon Bra is a real thing. Its inventor is a woman named Jennifer, who is as important as Steve Jobs in my book. You can read an interview here. She likes bacon, and everyone likes boobs — gay people, women, babies. Combining bacon and boobs creates something that rivals only space travel in sheer ingenuity. Unfortunately, it takes a bit of Internet sleuthing to get your hands on. Luckily, to make one of your own, all you need is a grease pan and a little bit of knitting prowess.
Reclining Office Chair
If you work in an office you know that sleepiness comes swiftly and suddenly. So imagine chillaxing in a reclining office desk chair. Perhaps these products haven’t flown off the shelves due to people having judgmental bosses. But screw ’em. If you’re nappy, then you’re nappy.
Butt Lifter Booty Shorts
The purpose seems to be to lift up saggy bottoms. An alternative purpose seems to be to lift up the tent in the front of your boyfriend’s pants. Either way, we at Mandatory encourage such innovative ways to spice up your love life. While some reviews take issue with excessive “butt flossing,” it’s imperative in relationships to take one for the team sometimes.
Cage Back Panties
You might be sensing a pattern already, but trust us, these are serious. Also, if you’re one to complain about aforementioned butt floss, Cage Back Panties have no such thing. Not even a string. It offers delicate, stretch mesh and an enticing satin bow. It’s also crotchless, which is chill.
Astronaut Pet Carrier
Let’s get our heads out of the gutter for a minute. The Astronaut Pet Carrier comes in many forms — a shoulder bag, a rolling suitcase and two types of backpacks. There’s even a little window for your feline to peek out of when it gets bored. Don’t judge this product based on the cat’s expression in the photo. Cats are notorious for their resting bitch faces.
“The Golden Girls” Granny Panties
Back to the gutter. If it’s that time of the month and you’ve got an overly aggressive boyfriend, perhaps this will thwart his advances. One look at these wretch codgers and he’s down for the count. And by “down,” I mean his boner.
Cats love nothing more than putting their buttholes in your face. It’s what they do. On the off chance your cat has a serious anal condition or doesn’t wipe that well, the Twinkle Tush is a jewel that hangs from the tail and covers the cat’s anus. It costs only $6 and, yes, it’s actually sold in stores.
Picture this: You adventure out into the snowy wilderness this winter and set up shop in a remote, beautiful location. The Hot Tub Hammock is a must-have for people who like to camp. You hang it between two trees and let the warm water wash over you. BuzzFeed ranked it the “Most Ridiculously Awesome Product of 2015.” And we would have to agree.
Dicks by Mail
Louis C.K. popularized the phrase “eat a bag of dicks.” And now you can, literally, eat a bag of dicks. It’s the perfect passive-aggressive way to get on someone’s bad side. Or you can simply send one to a friend for shits and giggles. Boy, do those penis-shaped gummies look delicious (some homo).
Lil’ Lager Beer Bottle
Get your kid’s social life started off right with the Lil’ Lager Beer Bottle. Starting at only $12, your newborn can crack open an icy bottle of mama’s milk and be the coolest kid at the park.
Indiana Jones Cat Bridge
It’s come to my attention that there are a lot of cat products in this article. And that’s fine. I like cats. The Indiana Jones Cat Bridge is a thrill to watch. After he’s done retrieving the golden idol from a Peruvian temple, your fuzzy friend will cross the perilous bridge to escape sure death. Let’s face it, this product is fucking awesome.
Weed Flavored Condoms
Gives the term “gag gift” a whole new meaning.
Newborns need to be wrapped tightly like a burrito to resemble being in the womb. With the Tortilla Baby swaddle, you can actually wrap your baby up like a burrito. It kills two birds with one stone — keep your baby warm and remind yourself of yummy Mexican food. Alternate versions include the Sushi Baby and the Eggroll Baby for our East Asian friends.
Fried Chicken Scented Candle
Few smells equate in terms of sheer goodness to that of a drumstick. If you’re too fat and simply can’t handle one more bucket of Colonel’s extra crispy, consider this a replacement. The Fried Chicken scented candle will make you the most popular person in your apartment building.
Weener Kleener Soap
This could probably double as a masturbation device, but its primary purpose is to clean the ween. It’s a ring made of soap that you slide your pig through to get to the hard-to-reach dirt. Just don’t go up and down too much or you’ll be late to work. Weener Kleener: Apply directly to the penis.
I’m not sure what a UNT is, but I love the black-on-white minimalism.
Evil Unicorn Horn for Cats
One more cat product for good measure. If you like to humiliate your cat, there’s no better way to cat-shame than the Evil Unicorn Horn. Available for only $7 on Amazon.
Boobs. They jiggle. They’re fun. As if you needed another reason to have your eyes glued to them, Boston-based inventor Jesse James Salucci thought of these after a trip to — you guessed it — Burning Man.
Leprechaun piss doesn’t actually taste good. Trust me, I spent a weekend in Ireland. It got weird. Anyway, they say the way into a woman’s heart is to have awesome swag. And swag such as the Leprechaun Piss Growler is a great peacocking method, a way to start a conversation. Buy one of these, fill it with your favorite microbrew, and you’ll be the hit of the party.
Stars & Stripes Teeny Weeny Monokini
God bless America.
20 CONSUMER PRODUCTS WE’RE SURPRISED AREN’T MORE POPULAR