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20 Husbands Who Tweet Things Only A Married Man Would Say

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1. I’m almost certain that this is partially what split my parents up. Mom was always cold. Dad blamed her weight…he didn’t stand a chance…

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2. When I was a kid and I got into trouble, my mom wouldn’t send me to my room. That’s where the toys were. Instead, she’d make me sit in the kitchen and watch her clean. It was awful. This is worse…

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3. After cheating, food is easily the next most volatile aspect of any relationship!

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4. SEE! I’m not making this up.

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5. Hey lady, it could be worse. Could be Star TREK!

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6. “Sorry babe, but you know the deal. Last person to touch the baby changes him!”

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7. My father always told me that the world was a school and life was just one big class. I believed it too, right up until my girl told me he was wrong!

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8. Outright aggression can lead to enormous blowouts and phone calls to the police. Passive-aggression, however, is the way to go because it slowly erodes someone’s sanity!

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9. “OH baby, it’s going to get so hot, steamy and…cheesy…in here?”

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10. The cat doesn’t seem so bad now, does he? At least you’d get some pussy…

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11. *wearing nothing but underwear and a headset mic, PS4 controller still in hand, vibrating wildly*

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12. It’s a little irritating, in all honesty, but it is much more efficient.

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13. Her response will be CHILLY, to say the least, amirite?

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14. BETTER people? WIFE’s house? My patriarchy is starting to rise up in here!

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15. Aunt May once told Peter that a husband puts his wife first, always. Clearly Uncle Ben never bought them dope-ass bunk beds before he got iced!

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16. My question is, once he’s got the pants, HOW will he wear them?

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17. God bless (or take) her, she never gets a day off, does she?

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18. Simple. God wasn’t putting up with you!

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19. Bonus points for calling her “McClane” or “Goose” while you do it…I like ’80s flicks, sue me.

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20. Secretly, I hoard them for my papier mâché projects!

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