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I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.

1. British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children.
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–Jimmy Carr

2. Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets.

Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets.
Fogstock / Getty Images

–Stewart Francis

3. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job.
Brianajackson / Getty Images

–Milton Jones

4. My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”

My wife told me: "Sex is better on holiday."
David De Lossy / Getty Images

–Joe Bor

5. I once dated a guy so dumb he couldn’t count to 21.

I once dated a guy so dumb he couldn't count to 21.
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–Joan Rivers

6. I could tell my parents hated me.

I could tell my parents hated me.
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–Rodney Dangerfield

7. I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

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I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.

Jiradelta / Getty Images

–Tim Vine

8. I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died.

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I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died.

Bananastock / Getty Images

–Lee Mack

9. I have a lot of growing up to do.

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I have a lot of growing up to do.

Danez / Getty Images

–Zach Galifianakis

10. Onions make me sad.

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Onions make me sad.

Ehaurylik / Getty Images

–Mitch Hedberg

11. I’m on a whiskey diet.

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

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–Tommy Cooper

12. Even the word “misogyny” is misogynistic.

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Even the word "misogyny" is misogynistic.

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–Bec Hill

13. A girl called me the other day and said, “Come over, nobody’s home”, so I went over.

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A girl called me the other day and said, "Come over, nobody's home", so I went over.

Piovesempre / Getty Images

–Rodney Dangerfield

14. My photographs don’t do me justice.

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My photographs don't do me justice.

Kcslagle / Getty Images

–Phyllis Diller

15. I want to write a mystery novel.

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I want to write a mystery novel.

Iakovkalinin / Getty Images

–Stewart Francis

16. As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day.

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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day.

Temmuz Can Arsiray / Getty Images

–Milton Jones

17. Exit signs.

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Exit signs.

Gudella / Getty Images

–Tim Vine

18. Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is?

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Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is?

Belchonock / Getty Images

–Jimmy Carr

19. Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict.

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Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict.

Purestock / Getty Images

–Alex Horne

20. I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs.

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I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs.

Miles Davies / Getty Images

–Rebecca Humphries

21. I’ve got a girlfriend. I’ve been going out with her for…

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I've got a girlfriend. I've been going out with her for...

Tom Brakefield / Getty Images
–Stewart Francis
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