Pump up the Pretty Little Liars theme music, because today we’re reading all about the secrets people are taking to the grave. Unshared secrets that they range from pretty damn dark to somewhat comical. These threads cover the gamut – everything from interfamilial relationships to infidelity to cheating on a test.
Some of these secrets get downright creepy. After all, people share their darkest secrets under the anonymity of the Internet. One can’t help but wonder what secrets you’d take to the grave and how they measure up to these sordid confessions.
There’s Having An Embarrassing Dad, And Then There’s Having A Nazi Dad
“My dad’s a National Socialist and he regularly goes to meetings, I was raised on Germanic folklore and the idea that I’m superior to others because I’m of German decent. I have plenty of Jewish and Slavish friends and I just tell them my dad died when I was younger […] my dad’s a Nazi”
Cheaters Do Sometimes Prosper
“There was a math competition/test in grade 8, and this was to actually decide who got the math award at graduation […] There was about 15 of us in a computer lab, all spaced apart, the test was done on a math program […] it was some long a*s weird word problem that was actually meant to confuse us. Well while the teacher was explaining the test I was clicking through one of the network drives and I found a folder that said Final.Test.William (my name is William). I was like “That’s really weird I don’t remember making this?” so I opened it up, and BOOM! it had the answer for our competition.
So I quickly copy and pasted it onto Word so no can see, and then once we started I minimized Word into the corner and re-wrote out the answer in my own words […] then I told the teach I was done. He came over and was amazed how fast I completed the test.
Graduation comes and I receive the math award and the teacher explains how amazed he was how fast I had completed the test in record time. I found out that day the teacher’s name was also William.”
A Different Kind Of Hotboxing
“In the car ride home the other day from a family vacation, my date offered to drive the 9 hours home since I drove us there. I had fallen asleep but woke up abruptly when I farted. Loudly. And it stunk. I had been sleeping with his jacket over my head so I pretended to be asleep.
As I was drifting back to sleep I farted again. Just as loud. Just as smelly. I continued to pretend to be asleep, though I heard him stifle giggles.
I’ll never tell him I was awake the whole time.”
Lying About Losing Your Virginity
“Probably the fact that I lost my virginity at 24 and not 18. At that point I knew it wasn’t going to be magical […] but I had this thought that I needed to get this done. I met a girl online and she took a liking to me. She hung out at my place for the second date and of course things happened. I did it in a very pragmatic and clinical way. My mind went ‘Lick here, stick this here.’
She did mention how bad I was but I played it off as me being rusty.”
Hypocritical Family Members Don’t Deserve Kept Secrets
“Probably not going to the grave with it because [I’m] sure the rest of my family will find out about this (some family already knows and that[‘]s how I found out) but I just found out that my homophobic/racist as f*** step-brother who is a marine has been doing gay porn for the last few years.
Apparently, he is one of this sites[‘] top stars or whatever and it all has a military theme. I just found this out 3 days ago..”
What’s The Rule With Non-Blood Relations?
“When I was a freshman and my stepmom was drinking at the time, she gave me a kiss on [the] lips (full blown) just because she felt bad for the way she treated me in middle school and got in a wreck while being drunk. Me, being a little stupid, I let myself get carried away and made out with her for like a good 10 minutes.
My dad popped in. Broke it off right before he actually saw it. Let’s just say that was the first person I actually kissed.”
Fake Four Eyes
“When I was like… 10 or 11, a lot of my classmates got glasses. I thought they were pretty cool, so I faked having myopia in order to get glasses as well. I wasn’t too dumb [though], I pretended that I could see better with lenses that had a small diopter so they didn’t actually damage my eyesight.
The downside was that my parents thought using the computer had something to do with it, so they didn’t allow me to use it anymore.”
“In high school, I had a friend in the grade below me that was very awkward and generally horrible with girls. One day my best friend and I decided to prank text him […] posing as a new girl, one that didn’t exist, at school. He asked to see a picture of her face, so we snapped a photo of a girl’s face on the cover of the nearest DVD — he completely fell for it. At this point we thought it was hilarious, so later we ended up sending him an “ass” picture that was really the crease of my elbow…he fell for it again. Sometimes his texts would get pretty raunchy, but thankfully he never tried to send any pictures. He began bragging at school about how he was hooking up with a transfer student and how they had sex all the time […] Over Christmas break, his mother went through his phone and found all of his texts to this “girl” and grounded him for the entirety of his break […] We gradually stopped texting as much, and eventually the conversations halted altogether.
For the next year, he continued to brag about all the nudes, blowjobs, and sex he was receiving from the imaginary girl. We’ve never told anyone about this, so none of our classmates know that he was utterly full of cr*p.”
Flowers in The Attic Vibes
“My extremely close, fun, trusting, platonic friendship with my sister is largely the result of the lust I once felt for her.
I’m a couple of years older than my sister, but we started puberty at about the same time [..] when she started developing her body I was attracted to it. Very.
Now, she was a bit of a brat growing up, and we treated her like it, so she must have noticed when I started treating her differently. As far as I could (and can) tell, she was appreciative that at least one person in the family enjoyed spending time with her. Wrestling on the couch. Playing video games together. Going to the local pool. I was damn distracted, but still enjoying my time with her. Trying desperately not to be caught […] sneaking glances or be too obvious with my physicality.
It was torturous. The cognitive dissonance between caring about her and what’s appropriate in general, and desperately wanting her body, was one of the biggest struggles of my childhood. I remember one night on vacation we slept in the same bed in a hotel room. I stayed up the whole night, all too aware of her beside me. How thin her pajamas were, how easy it would be to stick out my hand and explore, wondering if it would wake her up.
Fortunately, I won this struggle. Nothing happened that night. Shortly afterward, I decided that I needed to get my life back in order […] and decided to completely repress any urges or thoughts related to her whatsoever.”
A Lying Cheat
“In 5th grade I cheated on an exam. My buddy and I were the only two people in the grade who got this particular question correct, but I copied him. The worst part was he was considered ‘dumb’ while I was at the top of the class, so the teacher was convinced that he copied me and he ended up getting suspended.
Long story short, I was too p*ssy to admit that I was the one who cheated as my parents would have murdered me if I failed the test and even worse if I got suspended.”
What Would You Do For A Beatles Record?
“One time I sucked a dude’s d*ck for Beatles originals on vinyl.
Still don’t regret it every time I listen to Rubber Soul or Help!, yet I get the faint taste of nut in my mouth.”
Levels Of Family Admiration
“I’m generally not sexually attracted to anyone, but I am attracted to my cousin. He’s a year younger than me and used to be the kid nobody noticed but me — he was a little overweight for most of his childhood and was just generally awkward. […]
Fast forward a few years. I’m 17, he’s 16. My family has moved closer to his. Now we’re an hour apart. I’d heard that he’s changed since I’d seen him last, but I didn’t really think about it until we pulled up at my aunt’s house […] he comes downstairs fresh out of the shower apologizing for being late; he’d had to coach a junior soccer game in the southern summer heat and needed to clean up. Meanwhile, I’m dying. What the fuck happened to that awkward kid I used to know? He’s 6’4″, golden skin, sandy blonde hair, beautiful clear blue/green eyes. He’s also lost all the baby fat and gained just enough muscle to make him look really damn good.
Since then, over the last two years […] My cousin turned from an ugly duckling to, essentially, a Greek god. I’ve been attracted to him for the past two years.”
When Your Parents’ Secrets Are Ones You Didn’t Want To Know
“My dad cheated on my mum with her sister when I was born (my aunt moved in to help my mother with the newborn i.e. me). My mother told me while she was drunk at a dinner party, and started it all off with “You know, I know I sometimes sound like I hate you, but there’s a reason…” So, even though I love both of my parents, I secretly think they’re both pretty awful excuses for human beings. My dad for obvious reasons, my mother for holding it all against me […] My mother was the one who told me.
I have never been allowed to meet my aunty, but never really knew why until my mother spilled the beans.”
Girl You Don’t Need Make-Up
“I always tell my wife how much I love her makeup that day.
I hate it. I wish she would stop wearing it but it makes her happy so I decide to lie.”
Scam The School Before It Scams You
“In 7th grade, me and my friend Simon got the password for the admin accounts on our classroom’s computer and our teacher always came in late so we would just change our grades whenever we got to class before him and the door was unlocked.
I’m pretty sure this is what got me into a really good high school because I rarely did homework, but I usually knew the material.”
When Road Trip Conversation Goes Wrong
“The wife of a close friend knows that the friend was closeted and was gay before they got married. She believes that she is the only reason he decided to be straight instead. She admitted this to me on a 12-hour road trip once and then realized she’d said too much and swore me to secrecy. I didn’t tell her that, before getting married, the close friend admitted to me that he wanted to be gay but that he never dared to out of fear of judgment of his rural, conservative family. He almost didn’t get married because he didn’t think he could pull it off, but it seemed like the to save face with his family. They have been married over 20 years now.”
Bad News For The Step-Parents
“My parents are divorced and remarried (my dad is very happily married to my step-mom; my mom, not so happily married to my step-dad).
They’ve both confided in me a long time ago that they’re both still very much in love with each other (separately, of course; they live thousands of miles apart), but they asked me to never tell anybody in our lives about this. I intend on keeping that promise, but it hurts to know that they still feel so strongly about each other, and maybe, just maybe, could have gotten back together if they weren’t so proud and stubborn.
Such is life.”
Passing Off An Imitation As A Real Gift
“My father bought me a beautiful Fender Stratocaster for my 15th Birthday. It was unique, and gorgeous. I sold it to a guitar shop when I was 20 because I needed the cash. I never had the heart to tell him. I even found one exactly like it almost 10 years later, after I had become financially stable. I bought it in an instant. He still thinks I have the guitar he got me for my birthday. I still don’t have the heart to tell him.”
Tuna’s In Cat Heaven One Way Or Another
“We had an old cat growing up named Tuna. He was 16 or 17 and had a long and happy life but was really deteriorating. My mom did not want him put down as it was her cat and she seemed to be in denial about how decrepit and near death this cat was. One day she comes home from the store and my dad calmy tells her that he found Tuna dead under a tree in the sun. She was happy he died peacefully and on his own terms. What she doesn’t know is that she actually ran him over as she was leaving for the store. She obviously didn’t feel him under the tire but my mom killed her cat and we all lied about him dying in his sleep.”
When You’ve Got To Go, You’ve Got To Go
“Riding in the car with one of my best friends. He suddenly has a very distressed look on his face and frantically starts stuttering about needing to find a restroom. I will never forget the sound not 10 seconds later of him sh**ing himself in the driver seat. I laughed my a** off all the way back to his house. I promised I’d never tell anyone.”
Parents Forget To Clear Their Search History Too
“I was using my dad’s computer and it auto-completed “(our city) escorts.” I was fourteen and had no idea what to do. It’s been 8 years now so I feel it’s kind of past the familial statute of limitations.”