1. Can you meet me outside Oxford Circus station? I don’t know London that well.
How about I just meet you in hell?
2. Are you sure it’s healthy to be going to the pub five nights a week?
I’m sure it isn’t, but do I look like I care?
3. Would you like to come to my party in Epping on Saturday night?
I mean, I could come, but you know what I could also do? Not.
4. You look miserable, why aren’t you smiling?
Probably because you’re talking to me.
5. I fancy a fun day out, shall we go to M&M’s World?
I’ve got another suggestion, how about instead, I just murder you.
6. What’s Chicken Cottage?
Are you serious right now?
7. What’s the point in all these big parks, can’t they just build shops there instead?
8. So when are you planning to buy a place of your own?
Just don’t even start.
9. Why don’t you just commute from zone 6 to save money on rent?
I quite like spending my life not on trains thanks.
10. Actually, why don’t you just move up North?
You mean, apart from the fact that my job and all my friends are here?
11. Can you move down the carriage please?
If I could move at all that would be nice.
12. It’s fine if I just play this music through my phone speakers on the bus, right?
Sure, but I’ll be putting this question on your tombstone.
13. I’d love to go on a date with you – how does Angus Steakhouse sound?
Like you’re probably going to be eating alone.
14. Shall we take the cable car? What a cool and fun idea that was.
How about you take the cable car, and I stand at the other side and cut the cables?
15. If pubs are so expensive here, why don’t you just drink at home?
Because then I will be drinking alone and will have to face up to my alcohol problem.
16. Dogs on the tube? Isn’t that kind of unhygienic?
Says the person sneezing then putting their hand back on the rail ಠ_ಠ.
17. I need to grab a couple of bits, can you come with me to Westfield?
Of course I’ll come with you, I love making myself deeply unhappy.
18. What colour line are we taking?
Don’t make me answer this in public.
19. Can we go to that cereal cafe?
20. If you fancy that person on the tube so much why don’t you just ask them out?
Because that is creepy and also have you seen me?