1. Call them English.
2. Ask them to say things in an over-the-top Scottish accent.
If you ask me to say the words “purple”, “burger”, or “burglar” one more time, we’re done.
3. Assume they have an encyclopaedic knowledge of Scottish politics.
STOP. ASKING. ABOUT. THE. REFERENDUM.
4. Talk about your views on the Loch Ness Monster.
Do you think we haven’t heard it all before?
5. Tell them how you’ve never been to Scotland, but you’ve heard it’s “nice”.
NICE!? Bitch, it’s the most beautiful country on god’s green earth.
6. Assume that Scotland is stuck in the past and we don’t have Wi-Fi, electricity, or indoor toilets.
Guess what: I also live in a house that’s not a cave!
7. Talk about how your great-great-great-great grandfather was Scottish, so that means you are too.
8. Call a kilt a skirt.
It’s only acceptable to think a kilt is a skirt if you are a four-year-old, and even that’s a pretty bad excuse.
9. Shout “Och aye the noo!” at them repeatedly as soon as you find out they’re from Scotland.
Be super loud and obnoxious whilst doing it. That’s the best. Also, FYI, no-one says that.
10. Talk about how it always rains in Scotland.
If it means you’ll stay away, then yes it does.
11. Laugh about how hilarious the whole “legal tender” thing is.
OMG yeah I love arguing with English shopkeepers. JUST SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY.
12. Astound them with your lack of Scottish geographical knowledge.
Asking “How close is that to Edinburgh or Glasgow?” every time someone tells you a Scottish place name is not OK.
13. Tell them you know someone from Scotland, and ask if they’ve ever met them.
Yes, because Scotland is just a village and everyone knows each other.
14. Pronounce things incorrectly.
I know names and place names can be tough, but it will always be annoying when you get them wrong. Also, just don’t pronounce “loch” like “lock”.
15. Ask about battered Mars Bars.
Yes, they are a thing. No, they are not a staple part of our diet. Get over it.
16. Make a joke about Andy Murray being British if he wins, Scottish if he loses.
Wow, that’s a brand new joke that I’ve only heard 784,692,736,589,349,508,238,974 times before.
17. Have a meltdown when the weather forecast predicts an above average amount of wind/rain/snow.
You get six feet of snow, you deal with it. Life goes on.
18. Wonder aloud what a “real Scotsman” wears under his kilt.
Either ask him, or STFU.
19. Make any kind of comment about how rubbish Scotland is at sport.
That may be true, but no one is allowed to say it.
20. Call American whiskey “Scotch”.
“Jack Daniels is my favourite kind of Scotch.” *reaches for pressure points*
21. Ask any Scottish person if they think your impression of a Scottish accent is any good.