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THE 22 DUMBEST BATHING SUITS YOU WILL EVER SEE

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Summer is already upon us and some of us are beach-ready while others are nowhere close. I’m part of this latter category and as such, I haven’t bothered buying a new bathing suit. I figure I’ll just wear basketball shorts and pass them off as a bathing suit like the slob I am. Yeah. That should work.

Anyway, what I’m getting at is that bathing suit shopping has become a much more varied market than it once was. It’s a complete pain in the ass. For men, I figured we had the choice of varied length board shorts or — for those of European or wiener/pube showboating descent — the much less popular Speedo. For women, there was a one-piece or bikini. That’s it, right? Apparently not.

In researching this piece, I found there are many options out there. Too many. And when you look outside of the norms I mention, they’re all weird as f*ck. All of them. Whether they’re hideous, unnecessarily complicated or would for certain cause a ridiculous tan line, none of these options should make it anywhere remotely close to the beach.

So, to broaden your perspective on swimwear, here are 22 stupid bathing suits we can all collectively make fun of.

1. There’s actually too much to say about this suit. It all can’t possibly be summed up in a sentence. It speaks for itself.

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2. There is what DIY projects looked like pre-Pinterest.

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3. A bathing suit with redundant sleeves AND love-handle cutouts? Sign me up!

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4. Behold the burkini. I will refrain from saying anything insensitive, so I’ll just leave this here.

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5. Designers know bathing suits are to be worn in the sun and that sun causes tan lines, right?

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6. For the woman who isn’t sure if it’s summer or Halloween.

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7. The straps are supposed to be invisible; until they become tan lines, that is.

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8. A bathing suit that covers everything except her most insecure area? Perfect.

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9. If the mesh tan lines weren’t enough, this lady can also expect a pale cactus growing out of her genitals.

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10. Like a man purse, but this one stores the family jewels. (But in all honesty: this guy manscapes like a motherf*cker.)

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11. This looks fairly easy to make at home. Just grab a shoelace and some cheesecloth.

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12. Like Borat’s infamous suit, only this is supposed to be taken seriously.

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13. This diamond bathing suit (worth: $30 million) looks like nothing more than three necklaces strung together. Model Molly Sims donned this baby in the 2006 issue Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.

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14. This is a prank bikini marketed toward bitter (ex?) boyfriends who wish to embarrass their girlfriends. How so? This bikini dissolves in water, leaving her completely nude as she hits water.

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15. Not even a supermodel can make this suit look sexy.

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16. These tan lines make sun burn even more fun.

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17. Gamer girl attire at its finest.

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18. This bikini is made of METAL. So many cuts in the absolute worst areas.

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19. “I want no sun on my arms,” said no one ever.

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20. Good luck lifting your arms, lady.

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21. Fur is supposed to be UNDER the bikini.

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22. A bathing suit is intended to be worn in water. So why in hell is this made of velvet?

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