I am Bored 22 LIFE HACKS FOR ASSHOLE PARENTS
Parenting often calls for strict discipline. Here are some creative ways to strengthen your child’s character while also getting some sort of sick, personal pleasure out of it.
1. If your kid is addicted to picking their nose, tell them the boogeyman is actually the tooth fairy for boogers. Hence, the name. In the middle of the night, he comes to collect.
2. Play “Hoarders” on repeat if your child won’t clean his room. Only the poop episodes, too. Duct tape their eyes open if needed.
3. Curb social media addiction by befriending them on Facebook. Tag them in compromising baby photos for maximum effect.
4. If your kid needs a timeout, take them back to the 18th century with a wooden horse in a dark room. Only a wooden horse; no Internet, Xbox or flat screen TV allowed. Wooden horse timeouts are surprisingly traumatic.
5. Remove their bedroom door.
6. If your child cuts class, eat lunch with them and their friends for one full year. It will scar them, and in the future, they won’t miss a day of work.
7. To stop your kid from throwing a tantrum in a supermarket over wanting candy, cave in and purchase the candy of their choice. After checkout, give the candy to another, well-behaved child.
8. Don’t spank them hard. Spank them soft. It’s much creepier.
9. When your teenager inevitably fills your tequila bottle with water, fill their favorite beverage (or food) with tequila. Snack Packs doused in Jose Cuervo taste bad.
10. Create your own “We Will Get Along” shirt.
11. If your child is rolling on the ground and crying in public, roll on the ground and cry with them. Children are highly attuned to mockery at their expense, and when they see people pointing and laughing at them, they will stop.
12. For the problem child: Forge a certificate of adoption and fill in the blanks. Leave it ominously sticking out of an envelope. Your problem child won’t be a problem anymore.
13. Your teenage son will inevitably fall into the Venus flytrap of Internet porn. It will distract him from schoolwork, and it will harm your home computer with malware. After finding the incriminating Internet history, write “Monkey Spanker” on a piece of paper and nail it to his door. The shame will work wonders.
14. If your kid hates school, drop them off at Home Depot to work with undocumented immigrants for a week.
15. To stop two brothers from fighting, make them hold hands. Tell them to sit on the couch together. Film it and post it to Facebook with the caption, “Love between brothers knows no bounds.”
16. If you really want to go scorched earth, take away their device chargers. As the batteries die on each of their devices, they will become better. Battery life is inversely proportional to their love for you.
17. Re-create selfies to discourage selfies.
18. To encourage helpfulness around the house, buy 10 “Saw” dolls. Place one in the middle of their room while they sleep. Leave one at the bottom of the stairs in the morning. Place one inside their school desk. When they return home, shaking, put the remaining seven in various spots within their closet. Leave one with a note that says, “Do your chores.”
19. Bust out the “Best Dad Ever” shirt when serious humiliation needs to be doled out.
20. If your daughter threatens to run away, calmly tell her you’ll help her pack her things. Begin loading stuff in your car. She will reverse her decision and hug you.
21. Place Halloween candy on layaway until straight A’s happen. Repeat every Halloween.
22. If you catch your kid in a lie, take them to the dog park and tell them to pick up every piece of dung in the vicinity. Make them offer their services to other dog owners. Halfway through, tell them you’ll take them to the mall if they finish quickly. Three hours later, when they’re done and excited about the mall, drive straight home. When they ask why they’re not going to the mall, ask them, “How does it feel to be lied to?”