25 Tweets About Masturbating That Are Just Really Funny

It's so awkward when you shout out someone else's hand during masturbation

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 24, 2012

Good term for masturbation I just thought of – Jackin' the peen stalk

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) September 12, 2015

[hosting sex act hall of fame induction ceremony]ME: let's all give a hand for masturbation

— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) December 23, 2015

My caught masturbating face is exactly the same as my caught jamming out to NSYNC face because they're simultaneous.

— molly (@MollySneed) March 21, 2015

Masturbating too much leads to two things: loss of memory and something else…

— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) January 21, 2013

DOCTOR: Bad news. You have a disease and the only cure is frequent, aggressive masturbation from the age of 12.
ME: Mom…I'm gonna make it

— Ristolable (@Ristolable) April 23, 2014

Who called it "Masturbation tips for women" rather than "Dildos and Dildon'ts".

— James Martin (@Pundamentalism) November 6, 2015

If there's a sock on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with the other one.

— Ham on Wry (@realHamOnWry) November 23, 2015

https://twitter.com/mattytalks/status/590671708203438080?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

(Interrogation)
Confess and you can go
"Well I masturbate a lot"
Not that confession
"Like A LOT"
Dude
"And I drive a Prius"
DUDE
"I know"

— Jersey (@SatansTongue) March 23, 2014

Whoever's making my voodoo doll masturbate to Man vs Food reruns, please stop. This is scaring me.

— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) July 25, 2013

Everything I'm touching turns to shit today.

Definitely not masturbating tonight.

— Carbosly (@Carbosly) November 14, 2013

*climbs to top of remote mountain*
Finally
*approaches wise man*
Is having sex with a sock puppet masturbation or not?

— Pumpkin Spiceotope (@BuckyIsotope) May 14, 2014

ALARM: time to wake up!
BED: no, stay asleep
ALARM: wake
BED: sleep
ME: both of you shut up I'm trying to masturbate

— sadvil (@sadvil) January 25, 2015

https://twitter.com/nataliejmooney/status/554748582587154433?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

If these walls could talk I'd almost certainly masturbate less.

— Rhys James (@rhysjamesy) March 11, 2015

euphemism for masturbation: 'at a VERY poorly attended orgy'

— blake (@Leemanish) June 21, 2012

Do guys have a go to masturbation sock like I do with shoesHAHAHA I'M KIDDING! I would never! I'm a lady.

It's an adorable strappy sandal.

— Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) May 18, 2014

LAWYER: my client's alibi is that he was at home masturbating
JUDGE: does he do that often
[i nod to my lawyer]LAWYER: very often ur honor

— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) March 22, 2016

The first rule of masturbation club is to come alone.#NationalMasturbationDay

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) July 21, 2015

Doctor, it hurts when I masturbate
"Where does it hurt?"
*points to heart*

— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) December 16, 2013

Kegels.
Because masturbating during a meeting is frowned upon.

— Carbosly (@Carbosly) November 11, 2014

Is "toot my own horn" a euphemism for masturbating yet?

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 29, 2015

911, what's your emergency
"I'm masturbating too much"
Sir that's not really a problem
"one sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE"

— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) August 25, 2014

My friends gave me a bunch of sex toys for my birthday as a "joke." I can't stop laughing*

*masturbating

— bubble girl (@JessObsess) November 15, 2013

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