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1

Well, at least he’s honest.

Well, at least he's honest.

2
“Now make me scream like a wookie.”

"Now make me scream like a wookie."

3
*Alpha-burnt.*

*Alpha-burnt.*

4
This one paints a picture. A greasy, greasy picture.

This one paints a picture. A greasy, greasy picture.

5
“Jk, it was gas.”

"Jk, it was gas."

6
“Well, I have done some unsavory things to get my upsexy fix in the past…”

"Well, I have done some unsavory things to get my upsexy fix in the past..."

7
When in doubt, go for the insult. That always works.

When in doubt, go for the insult. That always works.

8
#icequeened.

#icequeened.

9
“That would definitely put you in the top 2 of the girls I’ve dated so far.”

"That would definitely put you in the top 2 of the girls I've dated so far."

10
M. Night Shyamalan level plot twist: achieved.

M. Night Shyamalan level plot twist: achieved.

11
More like assholettuce…

More like assholettuce...

12
“Why don’t you try restarting your connection?”

"Why don't you try restarting your connection?"

13
“No microscope, but I do have all of my specimen collection jars. Y’know, for science.”

"No microscope, but I do have all of my specimen collection jars. Y'know, for science."

14
My favorite kind of fun.

My favorite kind of fun.

15
“Well I’ve got an instrument you can play, and it’s *not* for decoration!”

"Well I've got an instrument you can play, and it's *not* for decoration!"

16
Not kosher, bro.

Not kosher, bro.

17
“Orly? Mine’s /r/thenwhyareyouontinder.”

"Orly? Mine's /r/thenwhyareyouontinder."

18
“But the real question is, are short stories into you ? Get it? HMM?”

"But the real question is, are short stories into you ? Get it? HMM?"

19
I’m a little relieved they didn’t go the “chocolate” route with this one.

I'm a little relieved they didn't go the "chocolate" route with this one.

20
Dan realized a harsh truth that day…

Dan realized a harsh truth that day...

21
“How did you know I was into S&M?”

"How did you know I was into S&M?"

22
His determination is admirable.

His determination is admirable.

23
“All of this talk has made me depressed. I don’t think I can be alone tonight…”

"All of this talk has made me depressed. I don't think I can be alone tonight..."

24
“Oh, I do. You get at least 8 whole words before I finish.”

"Oh, I do. You get at least 8 whole words before I finish."

25
“I do a great job actually, but I’m looking for someone else to stroke my *ahem* ego for once.”

"I do a great job actually, but I'm looking for someone else to stroke my *ahem* ego for once."

26
“Mangled Organ” is the name of my Marilyn Manson cover band.

"Mangled Organ" is the name of my Marilyn Manson cover band.

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