1. There’s an amazing Chinese takeaway place a minutes walk (if that) from my house and I often pay for deliveries. I can’t look the delivery dude in the eye.
2. I used to live directly across the street from a pizza place. At a cross walk. I would still order delivery rather than walk across the street to get it. The guy wouldn’t even get in his car most times. I could watch him walk across from my living room. I’m actually fairly fit. Just didn’t want to put on outdoor clothes. Yes I tipped decently. When it would be raining, he’d drive.
3. Rotate the batteries twice in the remote. Still wont work, watch Golden Girls marathon.
4. Sometimes, when I’m really hungry, I’ll just take a nap because it’s easier than making food.
5. If I have to put something fragile on the floor, like my phone, instead of bending to put it down gently, I drop it on my foot to ‘soften’ the impact, and then let it roll off the slope off the foot.
6. I have remote controlled outlets in my room, so that I can turn on/off any electronic device without getting out of bed.
7. My light is the opposite end of the room. I sometimes call my brother in, ask a random question, and say “oh can you turn my light on?” as if it’s an after thought.
8. Sometimes I’m too lazy to dry myself after a shower so I end up just sitting on the edge of the tub or standing until I eventually just air-dry.
9. The other day, i was laying in bed, and my Roku remote was on my desk, literally 5 feet away. Rather than stand up to get it, I grabbed my phone, downloaded the Roku app, and used my phone to stop the movie. 5 feet.
10. The day I moved into my apartment I was exhausted. So I just put my box springs and mattress on the floor and leaned my bed frame in the corner to assemble the next day. It’s two years later and my bed frame is still leaning in the corner.
11. I download music I have on CDs from the internet because the CDs are in my car.
12. I once skipped an entire day of classes because there wasn’t enough milk to fill the cereal bowl in the morning. Lost all my motivation and just went straight back to bed.
13. My dog has a bottle opener on her collar so I never have to look for one.
14. If I find a Tupperware with moldy food in it I just throw the whole Tupperware away.
15. Once, in college, I was too lazy to get groceries, so I ate an onion with some ranch for dinner.
16. I stuck an empty poster tube to the wall diagonally next to my bed so I could put trash in it and it would roll down into the bin which was about a metre and half away. I thought it was kind of smart but so lazy.
17. Just hold shits in for hours instead of going to the toilet because it’s over there.
18. When my wife is out of town, I only eat canned food, directly out of the can, over the kitchen sink. No cooking, no dishes. It’s absolutely disgusting, but I’m just too lazy to make a meal for just me.
19. I am too lazy to scratch my own back. So I put my toddlers toy on my head and she will then climb all over my back to try and reach it. Back scratched, toy awarded.
20. I was too lazy to make coffee this morning, so I put diet coke in a coffee mug and heated it up in the microwave. 3/10 would not recommend.
21. I was wearing a mid length dress and knee high boots so I measured the exact area that would be exposed and just shave that 5 inches right smack dab in the middle of my legs…. Then I contemplated what I’m doing with my life if I can’t shave my entire legs.
22. I signed up for a free trial of Amazon Prime so I could get free 2-day shipping on an order of new underwear, all because I didn’t want to leave the house or do laundry that week.
23. I was watching Breaking Bad on my computer but I wanted a glass of juice. So I opened my router settings on my laptop to disable my mom’s laptop’s MAC address on the network so the Internet wouldn’t work for her, so she would come to my room to ask what the fuck, and I’d ask her to get me a glass of juice and that it’s already fixed. I’m still ashamed of myself.
24. I quit smoking one year ago because I was too lazy to get up and buy new ones one Weekend. Went better than expected though!
25. I pretend I don’t hear the alarm clock in the morning so that my husband gets up and shuts it off for me.
26. When I get home from work, I have a tendency to take my socks off while I’m sitting on the couch or at the dining room table. To pick them up off the floor, I don’t bend over. I use my toes like fingers to grip the socks and then kick upward and catch the socks so I don’t have to bend over.
27. I’m slouched in the most impossibly uncomfortable position in my office chair, head cocked severely to the right, because the sun is hitting me full-on in the eyes and I can’t be arsed to stand up and lean forward to close the blinds. My desk is flush to the wall with the window right in front of me. I can almost reach the string sitting down. But I can’t. So fuck it.