Style guides are standard procedure for any publication, demonstrating boring stuff like rules for punctuation, numerical values, how to title and cite sources, and words to avoid (or use).
But seeing as Playgirl is hardly your standard magazine, its style guide — bestowed upon me in ’06 but clearly from an earlier era (the ’90s?) — was also far from normal. Nor did it disappoint.
Forget boring drivel about where to put a semi-colon. Playgirl’s guide was 13 pages of printouts offering a thesaurus of sorts: slang terms for every genital, sex act, STD, orientation, and bodily function — with phraseology like “Neapolitan bone ache” trotted out as an acceptable stand-in for “syphilis.” Welcome to the Playgirl Mansion, where a thesaurus boasting euphemisms for sodomy and female genitals is invaluable to someone tasked with creating punny titles for photo sets and front-page cover lines.
I mean, there are only so many times you can use the word “penis”… right? Naturally the male member (still got it!) received page-one billing. All the approved terms are presented below for readability’s sake, but those who have a fondness for old documents can see them in their original glory here.
Playgirl Style Guide, page one: male genitals
A-E: Aaron’s Rod, Arm, Baby-Maker, Blue Vein Meatroll, Bald-Headed Butler, Bald-Headed Mouse, Belly Buster, Bathtub Eel, Bearded Blood Sausage, Bird, Bone, Baloney, Banana, Bat, Bayonet, Bean Tosser, Beef, Belly Ruffian, Blade, Broomstick, Bum Tickler, Bush Beater, Button-Hole Worker, Cock, Candle, Carrot, Club, Crack Haunter, Cranny Hunter, Cracksman, Creamstick, Culty Gun, Carnal Stump, Chicken, Child-Getter, Chink-Stopper, Corey, Crook, Dick, Dork, Dong, Doniker, Dingus, Dipstick, Dagger, Dart of Love, Dearest Member, Dicky, Ding-Dong, Dinger, Dingle-Dangle, Dummy, Dodaddy, Dolly, Dooflicker, Down-Leg, Dragon, Eel, End
F-L: Family Organ, Fiddle Bow, Fish, Fishing Rod, Flapper, Fool-Sticker, Forefinger, Fucker, Foreman, Gun, Gut Wrench, Giggle Stick, Gadget, Gardener, Giggling Pin, Gooser, Gravy Maker, Frinding Tool [sic], Gristle, Gut Stick, Hair Splitter, Hambone, Hammer, Hanging Johnny, Hoe Handle, Holy Porker, Horn, Hose, Hot Rod, Heat-Seeking Moisture Missile, Hairy Hot Dog, Jack in the Box, Jemson, Jerking Iron, Jigger, Jing Jang, Jockam, Johnnie, Johnny One-Eye, Bald-Headed Champ, Johnson, Joint, Joy Knob, Joy Prong, Joy Stick, Key, Kidney Cracker, Kidney Wiper, Kielbasa, King Member, Knob, Knocker, Ladies’ Delight, Ladies’ Lollipop, Ladies’ Treasure, Lamp of Life, Lance, Life Preserver, Little Brother, Little Willie, Liver Turner, Live Sausage, Lizard, Lob, Lobcock, Lobster, Lollypop, Long John, Love Dart, Love Gun, Love Muscle, Lucy, Lung Disturber
M-P: Mad Mick, Magic Wand, Man-Root, Marrow Bone, Master John Thursday, Master of Ceremonies, Meat, Meat Hook, Meat Whistle, Member, Merrymaker, Middle Leg, Milkman, Mister Goodwrench, Mister Tom, Mouse, Muscle, Mutton Dagger, My Body’s Captain, Natural Scythe, Needle, Nimrod, Nippy, Noodle, Noony, Old Blind Bob, One-Eyed Milkman, One-Eyed Trouser Trout, One-Eyed Night Crawler in the Turtleneck Sweater, One-Eyed Wonder Worm, Pant Muscle, Pecker, Pee-Pee, Pen, Pencil, Pendulum, Perch, Peter, Piccolo, Picklock, Pikestaff, Pile Driver, Pin, Pink Pencil, Pipe, Pisser, Pistol, Plugtail, Pocket Piccolo, Pocket Rocket, Pointer, Poker, Pole, Pork, Pork Sword, Post, Prick, Pride & Joy, Prong, Pud, Pudding, Pump Handle, Purple-Helmeted Warrior of Love, Pup, Putz
Q-Z: Quickening Peg, Quimstake, Ram, Ramrod, Raw Meat, Reamer, Red Cap, Rod, Rod of Love, Rolling Pin, Root, Rudder, Rupert, St. Peter, Russel the Wonder Muscle, Salami, Sausage, Sceptre, Schlong, Sexing Piece, Shaft, Schmock, Short Arm, Sove Devil, Schvantz, Silent Flute, Skin Flute, Snake, Spigot, Spike-Faggot, Spindle, Split Rump, Spout, Staff, Steaming Hot Kanga, Stem, Stick, Sting, Stump, Sugar Stick, Sword, Tail Pin, Tally Whacker, Tassel, Ten Pig, Thing, Third Leg, Thistle, Throbber, Throbbing Python of Love, Tickle-Gizzard, Tickler, Tong, Tool, Torch, Toy, Trap-Stick, Trouser Anaconda, Tube Steak, Uncle Dick, Vomiting Cobra, Wand, Wang, Wazoo, Weapon, Wedge, Weenie, Whacker, Whip, Whistle, Whore-Pipe, Wick, Willie, Wingle, Wire, Worm, Yang, Yard, Yosh, Zubrick
Here’s the original in all its photogenic glory (which includes an off-the-books write-in vote for kickstand!).