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I look at the impending age of 30 much like Simba and Mufasa view oncoming wildebeest stampedes—with fear, trepidation, and the lingering sense that life may soon be over.

I’m only kidding of course, as many people have lived full, successful lives after the big 3-0 (look at Barack Obama!). But, there are a few juvenile predilections thirty-somethings need to drop after they leave their twenties in the rearview mirror, including—but not limited to—these 31 items. No exceptions.

1. Anything ever sold in Hot Topic ever

This includes: Ed Hardy apparel, studded belts, and hoodies that zip over your face.

2. Sword collections

It’s a common adage: the more swords you own, the less virginity you will lose in your lifetime.

Scooter Guy

3. Scooters

If Wolverine himself looks this lame on a scooter, imagine how lame your lame clawless self would look?

4. A drum kit in your living room

Unless you have a dedicated space for your kit, it’s not going to work. Plus, no amount of of cymbal crashes will make up for your second failed marriage.

5. Anything involving black lights

If you are above 30 and have a black light in your room, you will probably see something scarier than an Insane Clown Posse poster.

6. AOL email address

The only reason to still have your “NoLimitzSk8r99” email address is to consolidate your free viagra/iPads leads.

7. Hacky Sacks

“Hey, lets go over and talk to those hot hacky sack guys!” said no lady ever.

8. Tucker Max’s books

I do hope they sell beer in hell, for this guy’s sake.

9. Unframed posters

If you like it, you should definitely put a frame on it.

10. Bottle opener keychain

If not being able to open ice cold brews at all times is a concern, maybe bottle caps aren’t your biggest problem.

11. All things Dane Cook

…yep.

12. Fedoras

“No, no…I’m not Frank Sinatra, m’lady.”

13. Tony Little’s Gazelle

That smile is the smile of a man with absolutely nothing to lose.

14. Velcro wallets

That tearing sound isn’t your wallet opening, it’s a thousand of your future children screaming because they know they’ll never be born.

15. Skull jewelry

Pro tip: you are not on Sons of Anarchy.

16. Snapback hats

If the Bieber wears it, thou shalt not.

17. Football jerseys

When everyone on the team is younger than you, it’s no longer cool to wear another man’s name on your back.

18. Novelty salt and pepper shakers

There’s nothing funny about under-seasoning.

19. Things with mustaches on them

They reek of Zooey Deschanel and desperation.

20. Morph suits

This was only kind of funny the first 300 times.

chain wallets

21. Wallet chains

Because no one wants your velcro wallet in the first place.

22. Crocs

You can file this under “things I never really should have owned in the first place.”

23. Boondock Saints II on DVD

Or for that matter, any Boondock Saints DVD.

24. Tickets to Coachella

If you have to ask, you are 18.

25. Truck Nutz

“Kick his ass, Seabass!”

26. A mattress on the floor

Heroin chic is never coming back.

Tall Bongs

27. A bong over 1′ tall

Grown-ass men are alone and don’t have people to light their nugs for them.

28. Actually, any bong

Buy this slick lil’ number, and thank me in the morning.

29. Sex dice

Where “snake-eyes” means something completely different.

30. Your frat hoodie

Keeping your letters is one thing, continuing to wear them while you have a mortgage is painful.

31. Anything and everything Guy Fieri touches

He’s like the King Midas of douchebaggery.

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