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THE 37 GREATEST LINES IN COMEDY FILM HISTORY

A great movie line pops. In comedies, these lines make you laugh from your gut. Spanning from the ’70s until now (but mostly the ’90s because, let’s face it, that decade had the best comedies), we accumulated a definitive collection of iconic comedic moments that are sure to bring back many fond memories. In a few cases, there were too many hilarious lines to pick just one.

Caution: Some NSFW language.

“Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”
1_greatest_comedy_movie_lines[1]
– “Animal House” (1978)

“Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.”
– “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (1986)

“I crap bigger than you.”
– “City Slickers” (1991)

“I once thought I had mono for an entire year. Turns out I was just really bored.”
9_greatest_comedy_movie_lines[1]
– “Wayne’s World” (1992)

“You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.”
– “Tropic Thunder” (2008)

“8-year-olds, dude.”
– “The Big Lebowski” (1998)

“You’re all fucked in the head! All of you! I mean you, change your fucking tampon and have another drink, you crazy fucking bitch! And you, ‘Waaa, I don’t know what to be when I grow up.’ Join the fucking army or something, goddamn. And you. Fuck you Monty! Always gotta be right with your little quips! We get it man, you’re fucking edgy and cool. Yeah. You’re the coolest fucking guy at Shenanigans! Woo! That’s like being the smartest kid with Down Syndrome.”

– “Waiting…” (2005)

“Hey, if you would take a second, and take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I’m a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you! And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, OK? If you can get it from my kung fu grip then you can come and have it, OK? Otherwise, step off, bitch.”
– “Meet the Parents” (2000)

“Mr. Madison, what you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”
– “Billy Madison” (1995)

“If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?”

– “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989)

“Shitter was full!”
4_greatest_comedy_movie_lines[1]
– “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989)

“He’s a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fat, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.”
– “Liar Liar” (1997)

“Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?”
– “Tommy Boy” (1995)

“Anyone who brings candy to this camp is not your friend. He is a destroyer.”
5_greatest_comedy_movie_lines[1]
– “Heavy Weights” (1995)

“Oh, stewardess! I speak jive … He said that he’s in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.”
“All right. Would you tell him just to relax and I’ll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?”
“Jus’ hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da rebound on da med side. … Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don’ want no help, chump don’t GET da help! … Jive-ass dude don’t got no brains anyhow. Shit.”

– “Airplane!” (1980)

“Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her enough, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.”
12_greatest_comedy_movie_lines[1]
– “Dumb & Dumber” (1994)

“Hey, guys. Oh, Big Gulps, huh? Alright. Welp, see ya later!”

– “Dumb & Dumber” (1994)

“How do you write women so well?”
“I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.”

– “As Good As It Gets” (1997)

“Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that’s an addiction, man. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?”
– “Half Baked” (1998)

“See, there’s three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything. So pussies may get made at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn’t fuck the assholes, you know what you’d get? You’d get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!”
6_greatest_comedy_movie_lines[1]
– “Team America: World Police” (2004)

“You’re an inanimate fucking object!”
– “In Bruges” (2008)

“I can’t buy a pack of smokes without running into nine guys you fucked!”
– “Boondock Saints” (1999)

“Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”
7_greatest_comedy_movie_lines[1]
– “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy” (2004)

“You’re killing me, Smalls!”
– “The Sandlot” (1993)

“What’s a Nubian?”
– “Chasing Amy” (1997)

“I’ve been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I’ve come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.”
8_greatest_comedy_movie_lines[1]
– “High Fidelity” (2000)

“True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love, and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom, blindfolded, like a goddamn magic show ready to double-team your girlfriend and–”
“And it stops right there, and it continues right here, because what I think my friend Mitch is trying to say is that true love is blind.”

– “Old School” (2003)

“Hey, where the white women at?”
2_greatest_comedy_movie_lines[1]
– “Blazing Saddles” (1974)

“Here at Globo Gym, we’re better than you. And we know it.”
– “Dodgeball” (2004)

“When I buy my wife, at the start she was, uh, cook good, her vazhïn work well, and she strong on plow. But after three years when she was 15, then she become weak, her voice become deep: BORAT BORAT. She receive hair on chest, and her vazhïn hang like sleeve of wizard.”
– “Borat” (2006)

“You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.”
13_greatest_comedy_movie_lines[1]
– “Office Space” (1999)

“PC load letter? What the f–k does that mean?”

– “Office Space” (1999)

“The details of my life are quite inconsequential. Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds–pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It’s breathtaking. I suggest you try it.”
– “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” (1997)

“You know, there’s a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you.”
10_greatest_comedy_movie_lines[1]
– “Clerks” (1994)

“Good question, Aguado. First I’d establish a motive. In this case, the killer saw the size of the bug’s dick and became insanely jealous.”
– “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” (1994)

“Now I don’t want to sound like a queer or nothin’, but I’d kinda like to make love to you tonight.”
– “Orgazmo” (1997)

“This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off waiting to worship a rat. What a hype. Groundhog Day used to mean something in this town. They used to pull the hog out, and they used to eat it. You’re hypocrites, all of you!”
11_greatest_comedy_movie_lines[1]
– “Groundhog Day” (1993)

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