Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last decade or two (in which case, where do you find the room under there?!), you know that Hollywood is all about that remake steez. It’s their bread and butter! But for every terrible remake that we’ve had to sit through, there are probably 20 that ended up mercifully taken behind the woodshed, Old Yeller-style. Here are five awful remakes that almost happened.
Revenge of the Nerds
It wasn’t always cool to be nerdy, guys. In fact, it actually used to be an insult, back in the time of gleefully feathered hair that we call the 1980s. But do you see why that might not work these days? Nerds aren’t exactly the social pariahs that everyone thought they were a few decades ago.
But what if we flip the script? What if it’s some big hot shot eSports gamer stole the girlfriend of a poor, struggling quarterback? Revenge of the Jocks, anyone? No? Okay, worth a shot.
Battle Royale was a groundbreaking piece of Japanese cinema from the year 2000 involving a domineering government forcing young boys and girls into a fight to the death. Is that starting to sound familiar? Yeahhh, it’s probably for the best that Katniss & Ko. made a remake of Battle Royale a moot point. It’s an incredibly graphic (awesome), blood-splattered (awesomer) film, so if tweens turned out in droves to see it, there may be some scarring going on.
Robert Zemeckis’ Yellow Submarine
Let’s get this out of the way up top — Robert Zemeckis is a god amongst men for bringing us the Back to the Future trilogy. But Bob, let’s leave Yellow Submarine alone. Sure, seeing Blue Meanies in IMAX 3D would be pretty rad, but did you see Across the Universe? Because I didn’t. Oh, you didn’t either? Well, uh… I guess I have no frame of reference for this comparison. BUT LEAVE IT ALONE IS MY POINT, BOB.
Tony Scott’s version of The Warriors
This remake was sadly stopped in its tracks by the untimely death of Tony Scott, but ultimately, if we’re being honest, it would have been a project that missed all the fun of the original. Reports said that the film was to be set in an uber-realistic L.A., with street gangs not unlike the Bloods or the Crips. But part of the greatness of the original is that it was insane! Set in the distant future of 1994, the original Warriors featured a gang that painted their faces and dressed in matching baseball uniforms! L.A. is kooky, sure, but it will never be face-painted-baseball-player-street-gang kooky.
Nicolas Cage as Superman
This is the Granddaddy of Them All, the mother-loving HOLY GRAIL of unrealized ironic greatness. Yes, national treasure/star of National Treasure Nicolas Cage was set to play the Man of Steel with none other than Tim Burton in the director’s chair. (Rumors of Johnny Depp playing Jimmy Olsen and Helena Bonham Carter playing Lois Lane are unconfirmed.) Also, I’d have loved to see the guys go FULL BURTON with the suit. Who needs that drab old blue and red scheme when you can have spoooooooky black and white swirlies?
5 Awful Movie Remakes That Almost Happened