5 Of The Most Ill-Advised Branded Products

Brands are everywhere, even on our bodies. And we just have to accept that. But does EVERY brand have to be EVERYWHERE? Just stick to your own corner of the market, brands! Here are five ill-advised brand crossovers.


Paula Deen’s Butter-Flavored Lip Balm

No offense to Paula, but I barely enjoy the feeling of normal-ass chapstick. I’ve never once longed for the taste of butter to linger on my lips all day. I feel like even Guy Fieri would tell her to cool out on this one, you know? That is NOT how you get to Flavortown, no matter how many layers you apply.


Foodfight – The Entire Film

Charles Sheen clearly made a Faustian bargain to appear in this horrifically animated feature, which isn’t so much a movie as it is a massive commercial for… uh… groceries? It’s a travesty for a litany of reasons, principle being the massive amount of REAL brands that agreed to license their products, like poor Charlie Tuna!! Get out of there! There only needs to be one Charlie in this crap movie.


NASCAR Romance Novels

I know you’re probably thinking that NASCAR and Harlequin romance novels are a match made in Heaven, and if you are, I’m appalled at what your idea of Heaven must be. Yes, 2013 saw an influx of OFFICIAL NASCAR erotica. None of that cheap knock-off stuff — give me Jeff Gordon going the full DuPont.


Bic Pantyhose

Pens, lighters, and now some sexy sheer to hug your nether regions. It’s like Bic chooses their next branding opportunity via Plinko board. In fact, can we get some Bic Plinko boards? Maybe an entire Bic Price is Right suite? Drew Carey, you know you’re down with Bic.


Burger King Perfume

Now come on, who WOULDN’T want to smell like a freshly broiled burger, hmm? I feel like that’s what Wimpy from Popeye throws on for first dates, and if his dates don’t immediately recoil in disgust and horror, then he’s cookin’ with gas! Look, I’m just saying that maybe this is taking the whole “Have It Your Way” thing a little too literally. Have it SOME ways. Some ways that people around you don’t have to smell at work.


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