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5 Maladies You Get from Specific Foods –

 

Everything is bad for you. Like, for real. Everything. But sometimes, very specific foods have very specific effects on your body! Want to know what will turn you into a walking cartoon character? Here are five maladies tied to specific foods.

 

Asparagus Pee

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Let’s start with an easy one. “Asparagus pee”, which is definitely not a scientific term and something I put in quotes just for funsies, is common enough to have been referenced in the Austin Powers movies. And this is yet another reason we should ban asparagus outright. You can wrap it in bacon all you want, it’s still a disgusting little spear that makes our urine smell bad.

 

Peeps Tongue

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Speaking of foods that need to be outlawed, what demon did we anger as a species that wrought this unholy creation? Sure, lots of foods turn your tongue colors, but not as decisively and for not quite as long as these horrendous Peeps Oreos. You know what? It serves us right — our food scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn’t stop to think if they should. Verdict? JETTISONED.

 

What are ya, yellow?

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Ever want to be a Simpson? First things first, you gotta lose a finger off each of them hands. Hey, I didn’t make the rules. But secondly, to make your skin that lovely shade of yellow, you have to eat a TON of carrots or anything with the orange pigment carotene. Do that, and you’ll be afflicted with a mostly harmless condition called carotenosis that will turn your skin yellow. After that, just make really obvious, hacky observations that haven’t been funny in years, and you’re on your way!

 

Why so blue?

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What if The Simpsons just ain’t your bag? What if you’re more of a Smurfs guy? All you need to do is dissolve some colloidal silver in your water, make that part of your balanced breakfast, and throw on some cut-offs to become the second coming of Tobias Fünke. No, but really, please don’t do any of that. Argyria, while sounding like the dopest metal band Finland has ever produced, is permanent, and I guarantee, you don’t love Smurfs THAT much.

 

Frankenberry Stool

The monster cereals are synonymous with Halloween, but what about the delightfully colorful affliction known as “Frankenberry Stool”? Apparently, Frank’s cereal was colored with a synthetic dye known as “amaranth” which, well… turned your toilet bowl a brilliant shade of pink. I imagine this was pretty damned terrifying in its heyday of the early ’70s. Maybe Frankenberry is just like his namesake, doomed to be eternally misunderstood because of its frightening appearance?

 

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