Think back to how great things were when you were a child. Now, what if I told you that sadness, strife, and death where also constantly around you then as well, but you were just a child so you didn’t have any understanding of those things? That would be pretty crazy, right? Well, good thing it’s not true! Everything was great as a child and there were literally no problems with the world. Just like there were no problems with any of the films you enjoyed in your youth. All of them were super hilarious well-constructed masterpieces of cinema!

And maybe, just maybe, if you want to keep believing that, don’t go back and re-watch any of these movies as an adult. Here are some of the films most likely to be absolutely ruined for you if you watch them later in life:


hold up hook

A lot of people will go to bat for Hook, but don’t act like the film isn’t Steven Spielberg’s dissertation on why being a child is better than having a child. The film activity loathes the children of Pan and makes them the whiniest, most insufferable brats imaginable. It goes on to absolutely idolize Adult Peter’s return to youth.

Don’t believe me? Watch the scene where (SPOILER ALERT FOR A 24-YEAR-OLD MOVIE) Rufio dies. Tell me you don’t feel like the impact of that child’s death isn’t lessened when Peter’s son is like “Dad, I want to go home now.” Not “OH F*CK THAT KID JUST DIED! GET ME OUT OF HERE!”, nut a whiny little “I want to go home now…” And what’s worse is that if he had said that two minutes earlier, Rufio might have survived.

Oh, and also, it;s pretty creepy to realize that Tinker Bell actively works to turn adult Peter back into young Peter before kissing him and telling him she loves him. So there is some weird stuff there too.


hold up casper

While it did have a ghoulish charm to it, with its trio of disgusting ghosts and lovable antics, Casper is hugely troubling. Saying nothing of the fact that the movie posits a Lazarus machine that can beat death and resurrect humans, the crux of the film is deeply disturbing — Casper, the ghost of a 12-year-old boy who, despite dying at age twelve, has presumably been around many more years since then, falls in love with Kat, a preteen girl. Their friendship and romance is the core relationship of the film. That’s all fine when you’re twelve and the ghost you’re dating is twelve, but flash forward 20 years and Christina Ricci’s character is 32 and in love with a dead child and suddenly the film has a way different type of creepy vibe than it was going for.

Blank Check

hold up check

Blank Check is a film that not only has not aged well, but also seems to have been written with a child’s understanding of finance. As a kid watching the film, it makes total sense. Everything from buying a house outright with cash to having a go-kart track installed in the back yard — and all in just six days — doesn’t seem unreasonable. I mean, a million dollars to a child is a lot of money.

But as an adult, every single part of the premise of this film seems insane. Blank Check suffers from the “12-year-old with a creepy love interest” problem too — FBI agent Shay Stanley, who is EASILY mid- to late-twenties, full on mouth kisses the main character at the end of the film. WHAT? IS? GOING? ON? WITH? THAT?

The Big Green

hold up green

For a film that was essentially billed as “The Mighty Ducks for soccer”, The Big Green is so bad it is insane and infuriating to watch as an adult. Not only is the entire plot of the film absolute gobbledygook — what with its scene where Steve Guttenberg LETS kids drive his car through a corn field some reason — the filmmakers demonstrate over and over again that they have no idea how soccer is played.

On top of all that, there is a scene (and I implore you to look this up) where the kids and adults play keep away in the rain and a women WHO IS NEVER INTRODUCED and is at best a parent of one of the kids and at worst a total stranger, falls to her knees in the mud and looks up to the heavens, in some sort of Shawshank moment, and says “Thank you God.” Like, what the actual f*ck? Why did they keep that in the movie? There is literally no other religious references. Who is that woman? What is she thanking God for? The rain? Soccer? All of this happens while the song “Sunny Side Up” by Michael Sembello plays, which is also worth listening to if you haven’t heard recently or ever.

Star Wars Episode I: The Wizard Pod Race

hold up wars

If you were fortunate enough to be in the target demo of five- to twelve-year-olds who had never seen one of the good Star Wars movies when Episode One was released, I beg you to never watch it again — let that sleeping Jawa lie. Even as a child, you probably knew that the movie wasn’t that great, but man oh man was that pod racing game that came of for N64 right after the film awesome! I’m really glad the film focused so much on pod racing that there was a game created that just centered around that ONE REALLY ESSENTIAL AND INTERESTING ASPECT OF THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE.

What it’s easy to miss as a child about Episode One is that the plot of the film is so convoluted and boring that it’s basically intergalactic C-SPAN. So just move on a look ahead to the future. Or… a long time ago, as it were. Hopefully Episode VII will have another great racing game associated with it for future generations.


5 Movies From Your Childhood That Don’t Hold Up

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