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5 People Having A Worse Week Than You

 

 

5. Michael Cohen, because he can be charged with crimes any day now.

Yesterday, The New York Times reported that former Trump Organization lawyer and Republican National Committee deputy finance chairman Michael Cohen is having a hell of a bad Monday.

According to the Times, federal prosecutors are investigating whether Cohen “committed bank and tax fraud have zeroed in on well over $20 million in loans obtained by taxi businesses that he and his family own.”

Wow. $20 million worth of bank fraud sure sounds like a lot of bank fraud!

They are also zeroing in on whether Cohen violated campaign finance laws (or any other laws) when he made the deals to silence Stormy Daniels and other women with whom Trump had affairs.

While we already knew he was in trouble, the Times reports that the investigation “has entered the final stage and prosecutors are considering filing charges by the end of August.” That’s soon!

Cohen has already shown his willingness to throw Trump under the bus, having released a secret tape of Trump before Omarosa made it cool.

The day Cohen flips to save his own ass will likely be a bad day for Trump. Hopefully it happens on a Monday.

4. Mark Wahlberg, because he got beaten by Asians this time, instead of the other way around.

 

While Marky Mark Wahlberg of Funky Bunch fame is mostly known today as the human embodiment of a Boston accent and burger entrepreneur, he committed a hate crime back in the eighties. It’s a fact that Hollywood conveniently seems to forget about.

In 1988, a 16-year-old Mark Wahlberg assaulted two Asian men who were trying to steal two cases of beer from a convenience store. He attacked one of the men with a wooden stick, and punching the other in the face, leaving one of the victims blind in one eye.

Wahlberg also hurled racial slurs, calling them “Vietnam f–king s–t” and ranting about “gooks” to the police when he was arrested.

So, yeah. Wahlberg was also sued for allegedly breaking a guy’s jaw.

While beating him at the box office isn’t exactly the same thing as beating him in a hate crime, the Asian community got a little bit of poetic justice when the enchanting rom-com Crazy Rich Asians triumphed over Wahlberg’s latest generic action movie.

 

 

 

 

Hey Mark Wahlberg:

3. Nicki Minaj, because her album didn’t debut at number one and she’s blaming it on a baby.

Nicki Minaj recently dropped her fourth studio album, Queen, and while it’s getting a lot of “Yaaaaaaas Queen”s from fans, it isn’t nearly enough.

My 4th album is out now. #Queen 🙏🏽 link in bio

A post shared by Barbie® (@nickiminaj) on

Minaj was topped on the Billboard chart by Travis Scott, whom you likely know as Kylie Jenner’s baby daddy.

 

 

The Queen is extremely salty by having been beat by a Kardashian boyfriend, basically calling the Billboard chart “fake news!”, suggesting that his album is only doing well because Kylie tweeted out that she and Stormi are joining Scott on the tour.

 

 

 

 

Stormi hasn’t even been alive for a full year, yet she has more power than all of us combined.

 

Meanwhile, Stormi’s probably napping in her crib made of the finest gilded mahogany like:

 

2. Ireland Balwin, because her dad commented on her thirst trap.

 

It pains me to include “dad” and “thirst trap” in the same sentence…but this is Trump’s America, baby!!!

Ireland Baldwin, the daughter of Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin, is blessed by genetics, and shares pictures of herself being beautiful on Instagram.

Her father is not impressed by many of the pictures, commenting on a particularly straddle-y picture of hers.

 

Dads of Instagram. #CommentsByCelebs

A post shared by @ commentsbycelebs on

 

“No. Just…no,” her dad writes.

Dads gonna dad, and make me cringe with whatever that German word for “extreme secondhand embarrassment” is.

1. New Yorkers who had their mornings ruined by goats on the lam.

How was your commute this morning? Did you get stuck in traffic? Was the traffic caused by goats? Well if you live in Brooklyn, it was.

It what is something very adorable to everyone who wasn’t running late because of literal farm animals, the N train in New York City was diverted to a different track because of some hipster goats taking a walk around Brooklyn. Even they’re devastated by how much Brooklyn has changed.

 

 

The rescue mission is underway.

 

As any New Yorker will tell you, goats on the tracks is still a preferable subway inconvenience to “Showtime!”

You go, goats. Be free!

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