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5 People Having A Worse Week Than You

5. OJ Simpson, because Sacha Baron Cohen tried to trick him into confessing.

Football player, Naked Gun star, and double homicide committer OJ Simpson appeared on the finale of Sacha Baron Cohen’s show Who is America? last night.

The Artist Formerly Known as Borat was clearly going for a Jinx-style finale that included a murderer confessing to multiple homicides, but OJ only got as far as laughing at Baron Cohen’s character’s schemes to murder his girlfriend.

In character as Italian fashion photographer Gio Monaldo, SBC introduced his girlfriend to “Buffalo Bill,” but she didn’t recognize the murderer until he mimed knifing her in the neck.

It is truly the most uncomfortable scenes in the history of television, a medium that has not one, but TWO, versions of The Office.

“Sometimes I want to completely kill her,” Baron Cohen says of his girlfriend. “If I do, you’ll introduce me to [Johnnie] Cochran?”

“I would have to introduce you in the afterlife,” Simpson says, after laughing.

Baron Cohen point-blank asked Simpson, “what happened the night with your wife?”

“Well, first of all, she wasn’t my wife,” the fact-focused Simpson explains. “We had been divorced. And second of all, I didn’t do it.”

“Me and you, we’ve got something in common,” Cohen tells Simpson in the clip. “We’re both ladykillers … In Italian it translates to ‘somebody who murders women.”

While it’s hard to make OJ look worse than he already does after spending years in jail and a highly-acclaimed miniseries reminding everyone that he’s a killer, it’s definitely satisfying to watch him squirm.


4. Pope Francis, because people are calling on him to resign.

Pope Francis’ trip to the highly Catholic country of Ireland was supposed to be an exciting adventure in preaching to the choir, but much like your binge-watching House of Cards, it was marred by a sexual abuse scandal.

His trip to Dublin came just after clergymen were accused of sexual abuse all over the world: former D.C. cardinal Theodore McCarrick was reported to have abused children for decades, and Chile’s Catholic bishops resigned en masse(no pun intended) over sex abuse cover-ups in their country.

Things got personal for Pontifex when a former top-ranking Vatican official accused the pope of knowing the allegations against McCarrick for years and working to cover it up, calling on him to resign.

The Pontiff joins such esteemed colleagues as Congressman Jim Jordan and USA Gymnastics in failing to act on reports of sexual abuse.

To add insult to injury, Pope Francis’ massive mass party had a Trump inauguration level crowd size.

Remember when Pope Francis was supposed to be the “Cool Pope”?

Jesus Christ.


3. Milo Yiannopolous, because bigotry stopped being lucrative when he got banned from Twitter.

Speaking of pedophilia, professional piece of sh*t Milo Yiannopolous (who lost his book deal defending people who have sex with little boys) is whining that his life sucks.

Milo, who was banned from Twitter after launching a racist and misogynistic harassment campaign aimed at Leslie Jones, has only Facebook as a medium on which to spread hate speech, and whine about the lack of respect he gets from fellow bigots these days.

In a comment on Facebook, The Hatest Showman kvetched, “I was a significant factor in Donald Trump getting elected, for which I have received zero credit, almost single handedly ignited the current debate about free speech on campus and NO ONE has ever matched my ability to draw attention to these issues. For my trouble, I have lost everything standing up for the truth in America, spent all my savings, destroyed all my friendships, and ruined my whole life.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

SUCKS TO SUCK, SUCKER!

After crying over how he doesn’t get any credit for getting Trump elected, he proceeds to call his followers “you entitled f*cking babies,” which is truly some delicious irony.

Every Monday on which a bigot has a Bad Monday is a Good Monday.


2. The guy who got arrested for getting too close to Beyoncé.

Last night, during a performance of their song “Apesh*t,” a drunk fan went, well, apesh*t, storming the stage and chasing after Bey and Jay.

The Carters’ multitalented backup dancers were able to stop the invasion, which totally wasn’t a part of their choreography.

The overzealous fan has been arrested and charged with simple battery, the Associated Press reports.

Beyoncé adorably made sure their were no interlopers on her way back for real.

1. The woman arrested for torching her couch-devil.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. As does the devil.

A woman in Denham Springs, Louisiana was arrested for setting her couch on fire to “get the devil out,” which, if I were the devil, is totally where I’d chill, too.

The fire then spread to the rest of her trailer, which likely reminded the devil of his hometown.

The firefighters took the arsonist to the hospital for treatment before escorting her to jail, which is really nice of them.

 

 

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