5 people Having A Worse Week Than You

5. Bill Cosby, because his retrial for sexual assault begins today.

Bill Cosby was perp-walked into a courthouse in suburban Philadelphia today as a retrial for sexual assault charges began.

Back in June, Cosby’s first trial on charges of drugging and assaulting Andrea Constand, a basketball official at Temple University, ended in a mistrial when the jury failed to reach a verdict.

Well, why is this trial different from every other trial?

The judge in this case is allowing five out of a potential pool of nineteen accusers to testify for the prosecution. The five women, including former model Janice Dickinson, all accuse Cosby of drugging and assaulting them back in the eighties.

While the June trial was relatively recent, a lot has changed in the past couple of months. People are finally taking women’s stories seriously after Weinstein and #MeToo, and nobody even pretends to want to rewatch The Cosby Show anymore.

As cute as the young Raven-Symoné was, justice is more important than reruns.

4. Fox News host Laura Ingraham, because she’s on “vacation” after her advertisers peaced out.

Wow, in our ~politically correct~ society, adults can’t use their massive platforms to taunt teenage survivors of gun massacres. Thanks, Libs!

Fox News host and person who gave what suspiciously looked like a Nazi salute at the Republican National Convention Laura Ingraham has been placed on “vacation” after over a dozen advertisers bailed on her rant fest.

On Friday night’s show, Ingraham announced that she would be taking a “pre-planned vacation,” not unlike the vacation Bill O’Reilly took a year ago before her was fired when advertisers boycotted him due to sexual harassment allegations.

Ingraham was outsmarted by Parkland shooting survivor and March for Our Lives organizer David Hogg. When she decided to publicly sneer at him for not getting into UCLA, he promptly responded with a list of the advertisers subsidizing her cruel antics.

Ingraham later apologized “in the spirit of Holy Week,” and Hogg was not impressed that it took her facing economic consequences to do the right thing.

Enjoy your vacay, Laura! It just might last forever!

3. The New York judge arrested for being a serial underwear stealer.

Welp: the judger has become the judgee.

Robert Cicale, a Republican district court judge in Suffolk County, New York, was charged with burglary after he was caught sneaking into a 23-year-old woman’s home across the street to steal her panties.

The woman was said to be home when Judge Cicale broke in to the house to pillage her panty drawer and/or laundry basket.

According to ABC7the young underwear wearer lives with her parents, but was the only one home. She ran out of the house and called her mom, who then called the police.

“She heard a noise in the house. She saw a male intruder. 911 was called,” Acting Suffolk County Police Commissioner Stuart Cameron said.

She described the burglar to the cops, who then arrested the judge two blocks away.

“Mr Cicale was found in possession of soiled female undergarments that we believe to be proceeds from the burglary that occurred this morning or a prior burglary at that location,” Cameron added.

I’m sure there’s a perfectly normal, definitely non-perverted reason for this, Your Honor.

2. Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr., because people hate him even more now after his April Fool’s “joke.”

Human slurping sound Arie Luyendyk Jr. was already one of the most hated men in America, falling somewhere on the list below Donald Trump but above “Sexiest Man Alive” Blake Shelton.

After dumping Bachelor “winner” Becca K. on TV and proposing to Lauren B. right in front of her, hating this man has truly united the nation. A lawmaker in Minnesota even drafted legislation to ban him from Becca K.’s home state.

Now Arie’s idea of an April Fool’s joke has pissed even more people off.

The race car driver’s replies turned into a demolition derby

Many people even found it cruel

My dude really sucks at this “communicating like a human person” thing.

1. The woman blaming the Jews for her sh*tty love life.

Happy Passover! The Washington Post is celebrating by running a wild op-ed in which a non-Jewish woman (aka Shiksa Goddess) blames the entire Jewish community for her lack of dating success.

“Living in New York and working in theater, I frequently meet Jewish men,” writer Carey Purcell wrote, proud of herself that she has even dated two of them. “At almost every event I go to, they approach me. As flattered as I am, I don’t welcome the complications and potential heartbreak I’ve experienced back into my life.”

Well, motek, maybe they actually dumped you because you believed and peddled anti-Semitic stereotypes? From the overbearing mothers to not scoring invites to the Passover Seder, Purcell insists that the relationships didn’t work because there’s something in the holy water.

Twitter quickly became a Kosher cookout.

Sounds crazy, no?

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make her a match, but make sure the person you chose isn’t Chosen.