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5 People Having A Worse Week Than You

5. Donald Trump Jr., because he got caught colluding with other countries, too.

While the world was watching the Royal Wedding, the New York Times published an astonishing report about one of America’s princes, one Donald Trump Jr.

We already knew that Don Jr. hosted a meeting in Trump Tower to get dirt on Hillary Clinton from a lawyer connected to the Russian government, but His Royal Highness isn’t just a Russophile—he was willing to compromise the sovereignty of the American election with everyone!

According to the Times, on August 3rd, 2016—three months before the election—Don Jr. hosted a confab with “an Israeli specialist in social media manipulation,” an “an emissary for two wealthy Arab princes,” and “a Republican donor with a controversial past in the Middle East as a private security contractor.” Talk about the most ambitious crossover event in history!

Here’s what they offered America’s Large Adult First Son:

The emissary, George Nader, told Donald Trump Jr. that the princes who led Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates were eager to help his father win election as president. The social media specialist, Joel Zamel, extolled his company’s ability to give an edge to a political campaign; by that time, the firm had already drawn up a multimillion-dollar proposal for a social media manipulation effort to help elect Mr. Trump. The company, which employed several Israeli former intelligence officers, specialized in collecting information and shaping opinion through social media.

It is unclear whether such a proposal was executed, and the details of who commissioned it remain in dispute. But Donald Trump Jr. responded approvingly, according to a person with knowledge of the meeting, and after those initial offers of help, Mr. Nader was quickly embraced as a close ally by Trump campaign advisers — meeting frequently with Jared Kushner, Mr. Trump’s son-in-law, and Michael T. Flynn, who became the president’s first national security adviser. At the time, Mr. Nader was also promoting a secret plan to use private contractors to destabilize Iran, the regional nemesis of Saudi Arabia and the Emirates.

“It is illegal for foreign governments or individuals to be involved in American elections, and it is unclear what — if any — direct assistance Saudi Arabia and the Emirates may have provided,” the Times notes. “But two people familiar with the meetings said that Trump campaign officials did not appear bothered by the idea of cooperation with foreigners.”

Soliciting foreign election assistance is very illegal, but Papa President doesn’t seem at all concerned by this revelation.

Here’s the TL;DR of Trumpism:

Foreigners living and working in America = BAD!

Foreigners working to help him win the election = GOOD!


4. Mario Batali, because he’s under criminal investigation by the NYPD.

Last night, 60 Minutes aired its harrowing investigation into Mario Batali, a piggy-looking man who seems to prove the adage “You are what you eat,” and the New York Police Department is following up with it.

CBS News alleges that Batali inappropriately touched female servers at swanky Manhattan restaurant The Spotted Pig, where he was an investor.

Anderson Cooper spoke with a woman who came forward about a graphic, devastating incident in 2005:

Woman: I woke up by myself on the floor, I don’t know where I am, of an empty room, wooden floor. I see broken bottles. The first thing I think is, “I’ve been drugged.” That was the first thing I thought is, “I’ve been—I’ve been assaulted.”

Woman: My right leg was very deeply wounded, like, scratched, like, deep scratches.

Woman: I didn’t think I had been raped. I didn’t feel any kind of trauma…

Anderson Cooper: Internally, you didn’t feel—

Woman: I didn’t feel any trauma internally. But I also did find—I looked on my skirt—There were two areas. It looked like DNA.

Anderson Cooper: Semen.

Woman: Semen.

After 60 Minutes aired, the restaurant group that Batali co-founded, announced that they were severing all ties with him.

Time’s up.


3. Chelsy Davy, because her ex Prince Harry got royally married and she became a royal meme.

It’s tough when an ex gets married. It’s even tougher when you’re at the wedding, and the wedding is in a castle, and the wedding in the castle is on television.

Zimbabwean lawyer and jewelry designer Chelsy Davy was Prince Harry’s on-again, off-again girlfriend from 2004 until 2011, and the chill new Duke of Sussex invited her to the ceremony making it official that they are off forever: his wedding.

The BBC’s cameras caught a glimpse at Davy’s reaction to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s fairytale wedding and boy, did she go on a face journey.

Poor Chelsy’s mug became the look of exes everywhere as she and her “funeral attire” became a global meme.

Cheer up, Chelsy. At least you’re still allowed to have opinions.


2. The woman who trolled the police and then got caught in a sting.

When you get away with a crime, it’s important not to get cocky about it.

A woman in Moses Lake, Washington met the cops last week when she was a passenger in a car that got pulled over for driving on a suspended license. The 19-year-old Kayla Irizzary left the scene because there was no legal basis to keep her there, but she then bragged on the cops’ Facebook about “getting away.”

But as the Moses Lake Police Department sayeth on Facebook, “What social media giveth, social media taketh away.” After obtaining a search warrant, the cops discovered in the vehicle that she rode in “a purse that contained her identification and a pistol, which Irizzary is not eligible to possess as she is a prolific felon.”

So at 2:30 AM on Saturday, the tricky coppers “set up a meeting with Irizzary, ironically enough using social media.” When she realized it was a set up, Irizzary made a run for it, but was “caught in about four steps” and “booked into the Grant County Jail on charges of unlawful possession of a firearm and possession of heroin.”

Send not to know for whom the bell trolls. It trolls for thee.


1. The lady who turned down an interview with Meghan Markle.

Everyone on Earth is talking about Meghan Markle (and probably everyone on Jupiter and Neptune, too). Before she was the Duchess of Sussex (say that ten times fast), Her Royal Highness was a relatively unknown actress with a PR machine smaller than the Palace.

Kathryn Whittaker, who works in brand partnerships at Twitter, offered to hook the site up with an interview, but the Twitter Head of TV and Film Talent didn’t know who she was.

People find this throwback hilarious knowing just how famous Markle is now.

Lara Cohen, the Twitter exec who turned her down, has no regrets, but maybe a little sarcasm.

Shoulda wouda coulda.

 

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