5 Reasons Pluto Should Be a Damn Planet Again

The Reasons Pluto Should Be a Damn Planet Again

Almost everyone has offered their opinion on whether or not Pluto should be a planet. But has anyone listened to what Pluto itself wants? Let’s hear from the tiny, frozen rock itself on why it thinks it should reclaim the #9 spot in the solar system:

I have five freakin’ moons! Earth only has one and it’s named Moon’.

Pluto and its five moons


Pluto Says: Okay, I’ll admit it. My moon Charon is half my size and we actually revolve around each other like dance partners who didn’t bother learning a second step. And yes, some people say that, because of this, Charon and I should be considered a binary system, meaning I don’t even get top billing with my own moon! But I’ve been pulling that slack-ass’s weight ever since he dropped out of Dwarf Planet School! And I’ll be damned if I get overshadowed by him, Nix, Hydra, Kerboros, Styx, and whatever other moons I have that sound like bands from the mid-’70s.


I orbit the sun just like those other eight bastards who didn’t stick up for me.

Plutos orbit around the sun


Pluto Says: Sure, my orbit is rather unusual. Sure, I sometimes cut off Neptune’s orbit as it zooms by. Sure, it looks like I refused to ask for directions and almost wound up in that bad section of the universe. But just like the other guys, I go around the sun. Plus, in other systems there are rogue planets’ that don’t orbit ANY star and still get to be called planets! But I keep moving down my 248-earth-year path around our star, only to come home in time to discover I’ve missed thousands of parties and all my stuff has been stolen.


I have an atmosphere! Mercury doesn’t. Mercury also owes me three grand.

artist interpretation of surface of pluto


Pluto Says: Did you know that? The sun’s little ‘Mama’s boy’ doesn’t have the gravitational strength to keep its own atmosphere. It can’t even afford its own moon! Meanwhile, I’m struggling to make ends meet now that I no longer get a planet paycheck and medical coverage and I still managed to cobble together a thin layer of nitrogen, methane, carbon monoxide, and whatever else would probably kill you. But it’s my atmosphere, I made it, and as a reward for all that hard work I get a letter from the Sun saying, ‘Dear Pruto: We have to let you go.’ That typo still kills me to this day.


I have enough gravity to have shaped myself into a perfectly kick ass planetary sphere.

Pluto in space


Pluto Says: When you look at me do you think ‘asteroid’? Do you think ‘dormant comet’? No, you probably think of a glassed planet from Halo. But you still thought ‘planet’! Not only that, I have a solid surface like Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars. True, they all have iron or nickel cores while I’m basically a galactic iceberg that looks like it’s home to abominable snowmen. But because they all live near the sun! Those four planets can suck up and stay on the roster, while all my calls go right to voice mail.


Because you feel ripped off when you only get eight balls in your solar system model.

toy solar system set featuring eight planets


Pluto Says: Did you know that every solar system model or toy you buy starts with someone ripping open the box and throwing me out before the sale? And do they charge you less for your model? Of course not! Plus, all the models your parents made are now wrong, so you have to throw those out, too. Without me, the handy mnemonic for remembering the order of the planets – ‘My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas’ (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto) now has to be replaced with the shorter My Very Evil Mother Just Sliced Up Nana.

So stop the madness and get me back. If you need to reach me, don’t call, since my phone’s been disconnected. But you can usually find me at a distant Starbucks, working on my screenplay and crying.

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