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5 “Retro” Games That Were Magnificently Violent

The 8-bit and 16-bit games of days gone by were a special breed. Grainy and pixelated, they created adorable little worlds to get lost in! But as games have become increasingly (and might I add, awesomely) violent, so too has a special kind of “retro game”, old-fashioned games that feature GHOULISH action. Here are five of the goriest, most violent retro games around.

 

Retro City Rampage

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2012’s Retro City Rampage is what would have happened if Grand Theft Auto had come out for the NES. You can wander around the city ignoring quests, arming yourself with blunt objects and artfully bringing them down on the skulls of unsuspecting pedestrians! From there, the violence escalates to a crescendo as you hop into a tank and shoot mortar blasts at every building in town. This is your Blue Period. This is your Femme assise.

 

Broforce

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2015’s Broforce is an homage to every single action film of the ’80s, ’90s and 2000s, and fittingly contains gallons upon gallons of what Alex DeLarge might call that “red, red kroovy” (blood, I’m guessing). In Broforce, you take on the mantle of various movie-themed “bros”, like Indiana Brones, Rambro, and the Brominator. And along the way, you slice, chop, shoot, explode and decimate every last criminal in your line of vision until you fight the literal Christian devil. What is it to Bro? It is but to take up arms for your brethren and decapitate foes. Or neuralyze them, if you’re into the whole Men in Black thing.

 

Hotline Miami

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Inspired by 2011’s DriveHotline Miami positions you as an anonymous driver/ killer for hire, wearing various animal masks and a varsity jacket like the bleakest version of Teen Wolf you’ve ever seen. The death here comes quick, with most assassinations being possible with the single press of a button. Pick up a lead pipe? You can bash in your enemies’ skulls with ease. Katana? One swoosh relieves them of their heads. Yes friends, I DO know when that hotline bling, that it can only mean one thing. And that thing? That thing is mayhem.

 

Super Meat Boy

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In 2010, Super Meat Boy was on everybody’s lips (not literally, don’t be gross). But the game was the hottest topic in town — an adorable platformer starring a carnimorph. But do not be fooled by its charms! Super Meat Boy is hideous and awesomely grotesque. This is not a meat creature, this is a MAN SANS SKIN. Every one of his nerve endings on fire. It is a meditation on what it is to feel. Eventually Meat Boy is reunited with his love, the bandages that salve his agony, even if just for a second! At the end of the day, Super Meat Boy is a love story. A horrible, horrible love story.

 

Super Mario Bros.

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The ultimate assassin. You may know him by many names, just like the fallen angel himself, but he is most commonly known by five simple letters. It’s-a him. Mario. He stomps on turtles. He rips flowers from the earth before consuming them to gain elemental powers, with which he incinerates even the most innocuous of rivals. Sure, in his mind, Mario is the conquering hero, saving the princess from a fate worse than death. But history’s worst villains thought they were doing the Lord’s work. And Mario, with his boots caked in reptilian guts, like tyrannical dictators and purveyors of death before him, has earned a spot in that pantheon.

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