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Products are good. That’s just a fact. You like products, I like products, even products like products. That’s why I got my iPhone a case — it was the American thing to do. But some countries in the world are pretty selective about what products they like (which, if you ask me, is un-American). These foreign places restrict the importation of seemingly normal American goods (it is right there in the name! They’re friggin’ called “goods”! How could they be bad?). Here are some of the most normal American Exports that are banned around the world:

Yellow Clothing (Malaysia)

banned stuff yellow
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While traveling to Malaysia, you might want to watch out for streaking on top of any sacred mountains, but also be sure that whatever clothes you do use to cover up aren’t yellow. The country has banned certain yellow shirts for their political connotations. Sorry Steelers fans — turns out Malaysia always roots for the Ravens.

Gum (Singapore)

banned stuff gum
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You know how your ears pop when you fly? You can prevent that by chewing gum — just make sure you aren’t landing in Singapore. Otherwise, you might be fined the moment you step off the plane. Singapore has a gum ban in place that has been preventing anyone attempting double bubbles in the street for the last 23 years. But if you forgot you had a stick of Juicy Fruit in your pocket, there is some hope — Singapore allows gum that is prescribed by a doctor for therapeutic reasons (read: being a rad dude with attitude). And don’t worry, I hear those doctors notes are pretty easy to come by. You just have to claim to have anxiety or glaucoma or be a child that wears a eye-patch and a backwards baseball cap and hangs out with another child who is named Mort and always wears a red turtle neck pulled up over his mouth.

 

Baby Walkers (Canada)

banned stuff walker
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Baby walkers have been banned in Canada because of studies showing that they could impede walking development and could be dangerous to children. That’s how problem-free Canada is, they’re like “this thing *might* be dangerous and delays walking by a couple of weeks in children. This is the most pressing safety issue we have. Even though any baby actually injured by a walker would be covered by our universal healthcare system, we better put some law on the books just so we are sure that no one gets hurt.” Now anyone found in possession of a baby walker can be fined up to $100,000 Canadian Dollars* or sentences to six months in prison. Also they have to go on a national tour where they say sorry to every baby in Canada.

*someone please check that the “Canadian Dollar” is a real thing, it sounds made up to me.

 

Time Travel (China)

banned stuff time
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One of the biggest US export is time travel. Don’t believe me? Since 2011 there have been 24 major motion pictures about time travel. And that’s just films in the last five years. Add to that television shows, novels, comic books, video games, and also actually real time travel that has definitely been invented (you just don’t know about yet, but soon you will and it will be up to you to save the world) and you get a lot of paradoxes being shipped out of the US and onto foreign soil.

Unfortunately, China has banned this export, citing issue with the distorting of historical events that happens in movies that distort the very fabric of the space/time continuum and that you — only you — will one day soon have to mend. But you already knew that, didn’t you? I mean, not you. Future you. The you that’s rereading this article two years from now … from INSIDE the internet. Quick, they’ve spotted you! You must get back the orbital dimension holoflux point! Use your hovercompass to find the way. There’s no time to lose. Or should I say … no time to … gain.

Mountain Dew (A lot of the world)

banned stuff dew
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If you ever find yourself in some type of Around the World in 80 Days-type race (the Jackie Chan version, not the Cantinflas version) and want to make it XTREME and build a skate park inside your air dirigible, you might want to add some extra storage under one of the quarter pipes because you will need your Mountain Dew supply to last the entirety of this VERY likely hypothetical scenario. It turns out, not all countries like to Do the Dew. In fact, in Japan and a lot of Europe, the American-made Mountain Dew is banned, probably because those countries aren’t XTREME enough to handle our Dew. Also presumably because Mountain Dew contains brominated vegetable oil, a chemical flame retardant, that is found in a lot of American-made soft drinks that are banned in those countries as well. You CAN buy non-American (read: un-American) Mountain Dew in Japan and Europe, but it tastes like a completely different drink and will NOT help you put out the flames when the sparks from your epic 50-50 grind start a fire on your hydrogen airship.

 

5 Seemingly Normal US Exports That Are Banned In Other Countries

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