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5 Most Upsetting Reality Shows Currently On TV

The reality TV genre contains two kinds of shows — one is informative and cute, like a show about nerdy metal-workers making swords that look like the sword from Zelda or whatever. The other kind, the one there are a lot more of, are lowest common denominator trash can fires where the entire point is to make fun of people you don’t know being attacked by something, usually naked. If you combined all reality shows into one show, it would probably be named Nude Racist Toddlers Double Date On Bear Attack Island. These shows can be addictive, but then, so are cigarettes. How bad do they get? Here are some of the worst:

 

Naked and Afraid

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The Discovery channel has gone from being a great source of information about the natural world to TV’s armpit. If your drunk, right wing uncle who thinks global warming is caused by gay marriage got shot by a ray gun that turned people into TV channels, he would become the Discovery Channel. Naked and Afraid is your first piece of evidence. In it, two ass-naked people are dropped into the jungle and have to survive for a month. Mostly they just yell at each other, get Malaria, and let ants bite them on their junk. And I suppose that’s about as close to educational as the Discovery Channel gets these days. It’s like the puzzle murder doll from Saw made Steve Irwin invent a nature show that would hurt as many people as humanly possible.

 

Diesel Brothers

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Another Discovery Channel gem. Diesel Brothers is about two truck loving brothers who love trucks. What makes this show particularly insidious is that they promote a truck subculture called “coal rolling”. If you haven’t heard of them, coal rollers are people who tweak their trucks so they belch noxious black clouds of poison into the air as they drive. Many coal rollers hate anyone who tells them global warming is real, so they get “revenge” on “hippies and know-it-all millennials” by driving around and BLASTING bicyclists and Priuses with an explosive burst of jet black smoke. I am not kidding. This is a real thing that real moron humans do, And for some reason, (COUGH MONEY COUGH) Discovery Channel thinks it’s a good idea to give a voice to this genuinely vile lifestyle. Who runs the Discovery Channel now?! Pepe the Frog? Donald Trump’s hair? A sentient Monster Truck driven by a racist cigar?

 

Dating Naked

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On every episode of Dating Naked, two people go on a date naked. Why would anyone do that? Who knows. What is the point of this? It’s not clear. But one thing is for sure — the people on these dates? They are naked.

 

The Briefcase

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This is kind of a cheat, since The Briefcase was cancelled last year, but– how does that saying go? “Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it?” So, to save ourselves from making this mistake again, let us remember. The concept was a family in a desperate financial situation would get a briefcase containing $101,000. The catch was, they had to decide between keeping the money for themselves and giving it to another family in dire financial circumstances (while secretly doing the same to the other family). This was the show for those who watch TV to see economically disadvantaged families go through emotional hell trying to make an impossible decision. THANKS CBS! Co-created by Patrick Bateman, Ayn Rand, and a knife that laughs when it stabs poor people, the fact that this show existed is either absolute proof that either we need to rethink our entire society or that the president of CBS is the T-1000.

 

Eaten Alive

As described by the Discovery Channel, Eaten Alive is a one-off “nature documentary special” that has about as much educational value as a drawing of my butthole. Sure, buttholes exist in nature, but that’s not really enough of a reason to classify a drawing of one a “nature documentary special”. So what’s it about? A dude lets himself get eaten by a snake. That’s it. Because… nature? In case you were wondering why the hell this “snake expert” would let himself get eaten by a snake, check out the video above to find out. SPOILER ALERT: He offers NO LOGICAL EXPLANATION.

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