5 Video Game Sex Scenes That Are Genuinely Funny (On Purpose)

5 Video Game Sex Scenes That Are Genuinely Funny (On Purpose)

Fair warning, this article is gonna get NSFW. But you probably figured that out already.

1. You reap what you sow in The Witcher 3

It’s tough to pick just one scene in The Witcher 3 that serves sex with a dollop of humor. There’s when a sorceress by the name of Keira Metz basically uses the game’s protagonist, Geralt, as a living dress-up doll to live out her fairy tale fantasies. That’s probably more cute than uproarious, though. And far be it from us to laugh at someone fulfilling a lifelong dream/fetish.

The more obvious choice is the quasi-famous “unicorn scene.” In which Geralt and his one, true love, Yennefer, sex up atop of a stuffed unicorn. Which, besides being somewhat insulting to what is almost certainly an endangered species in the horrific world of The Witcher, sounds like one of those things that’s not actually as sexy to try as it is to talk about. Assuming you think fantasy equestrian sex sounds hot in the first place.

Of course, while Yen and Geralt are the canonical romantic pair, that hasn’t stopped developer CD Projekt Red from allowing players to get down with just about every major female character in the games.

You see, before The Witcher 3, the series had a bit of a reputation for making Geralt into a womanizer — even going so far as giving players collectible cards for each partner he wound up sleeping with. Y’know, like they were trophies to be collected. Yuck…

Mercifully, things got a lot better. In fact, the third installment even goes so far as to acknowledge Geralt’s potentially cheating ways. Should you pursue both Yennefer and her best friend Triss (yet another sorceress in Geralt’s love life) the two will finally turn the tables on our hero by promising him a threesome.

That may not sound like a punishment, depending on what you’re into, but notice that we said “promise.” The actual, final “sex scene” for a cheating Geralt ends with Triss and Yen tying him half-naked to a bed — only to roll their eyes, toast each other to revenge well-gotten, and leave him there.

Not the most dignified look for a guy who kills monsters professionally, but then he had it coming (assuming you play him that way).

2. Dragon Age: Inquisition: “You want to ride the bull.”

Speaking of awkward situations, we’ve got ourselves a Bioware game. Not that all sex scenes in Bioware games make us want to glue our eyelids shut with embarrassment, but… well, there’s a history there.

For quite a while, series like Mass Effect and Knights of the Old Republic were able to coast on being basically the only games in town when it came time for polygonal characters to get down. That let us excuse a lot. Like shots of Jedi having sex through their underwear and so many “tasteful” cutaways from the actual act that one might wonder whether the developers were just pretending to know what sex looked like to sound cool in front of the other sixth graders. Case in point: Dragon Age Origins…

Much like the real thing, sex in Bioware games has gotten a lot better with experience. Specifically in the company’s last fantasy project, Dragon Age: Inquisition. That game features not just one, not three, but as many as specifically two romantic side stories with characters who understand that sex is supposed to be fun, actually.

Said stories come from characters Sera — the semi-bonkers elf serial killer that really doesn’t really treat murder with the proper amount of gravity — and Iron Bull, or The Iron Bull to those who don’t want to be snapped in half by the grey giant.

For our part, we would really rather not die at the hands of either of these loveable, queer weirdos. At least not until we get to enjoy their solid stories that treat sex like more than just a cutscene. In Sera’s case, that involves shaving the main character’s pubic hair into a the shape of a cookie. It’s sort of an inside joke.

As the world’s savior, they’re well-versed in sacrificing of themselves for the benefit of others. Apparently even when that just means making a pretty good goof.

Meanwhile, if players hook up with The Iron Bull, they’re treated to every single party member walking in on them during the act.

Because having zero privacy is another downside to defending all of reality. Though Bull makes up for it with the promise of sadly off-screen BDSM. So there are actual perks to this whole hero thing.

One reply on “5 Video Game Sex Scenes That Are Genuinely Funny (On Purpose)”

This person hasn’t played Dragon Age: Inquisition. Josephine, Cullen and Leliana aren’t in your party. They’re your agents. The only character that IS is Cassandra who walks in on you and Iron Bull, and that skimps out on THE 7 OTHERS WHO ARE! Solas, Sera, Dorian, Blackwall, Cole, Varric and Vivienne don’t barge in on you.

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