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ways technology is ruining sex

Technology is ruining sex. Now, I know that’s a pretty strong statement. And I also know that it sounds absurd given we live in an era where we just have to swipe right in order get the bone dance started, but hear me out, okay? Let’s start with the most obvious way in which technology is fucking up the game for all of us…

Smart Phones

I’ve already alluded to Tinder, and so on the surface it seems like your smart phone is just making things easier for you. Well, that’s all well and good if you can actually tear yourself away from your phone, but it doesn’t exactly scream erotic romance when one of you is busy checking Twitter while the other is taking off their pants.

And even if you do get a match on Tinder, is that really all that meaningful? Sure, you have to actually go through the process of meeting up and pretending that you’re just there to get to know each other, but you both know why you’re there. It’s not really all that different from picking out a hooker from Craigslist and showing up with a handful of cash. Is this really how we want the future of sex to be? Wait, don’t answer that.

And sure, sexting might be the biggest cultural innovation since Gutenberg invented the printing press, but here’s the thing about sexting: it’s not actually, you know, sex. You’re just staring at a screen hoping to see a booby. That’s some junior high shit right there.

And while sexting may be the 21st century version of those epic Civil War letters back home, there’s a world of difference between “My Dearest Clara, I long for your embrace” and “hey bb let me see dat ass.” It may be more direct, but where’s the passion?

Of course, back in the day a simple letter from the front could inspire decades of horniness. That’s because that was the hottest thing going. Not so much these days. And that leads me to my next point.

The Internet Has Desensitized Us All

I know this sounds like some “Get off my lawn!” ranting, but all I’m saying is that these days your typical 14-year-old nerd is exposed to more crazy shit than Caligula and Hugh Hefner in their primes.

You remember back in the day when the simple hint of a boob was enough to get you going? Every little step was better than the last one. Now, that 14-year-old nerd can’t even enjoy his first boob graze because he’s already into scat porn and is disappointed he can’t find a lovely girl to shit on his chest.

But rather than take a step back and think “Jesus, maybe desperately wanting someone to shit on my chest is kind of fucked up,” he thinks there’s nothing wrong with it. That’s both because he’s been desensitized, and because, well…

The Internet Has A Community For Everything

Look, if you do enjoy having people shit on your chest while you bust a nut, go with God. Good for you. But you also need to accept that most people aren’t down with, uh, with that shit.

But, that 14-year-old nerd can now just hop right on the Internet and find a gaggle of like-minded freaks who will tell him that not only is it perfectly normal for him to want a nice chest shitting, but that anyone who isn’t down with that is oppressing him somehow.

So now you’ve got some teenage nerd who’s ready to sue anyone who won’t shit on his chest on demand while a bunch of dudes wearing diapers cheer him on from the comfort of their basements. How does that kid have any hope at all for a normal sex life? He doesn’t. At least not until this next innovation hits the streets…

Virtual Reality

It’s coming, and of course, the only reason people are excited is because we’re all perverts and know we can use it to do depraved shit, sort of like the Holodeck in Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Sure, that show wanted you to think they were all having virtual adventures with Sherlock Holmes, but once the cameras were off, they were probably all having their virtual way with all manner of fucked up aliens.

Once this happens, the final frontier will truly have been breached and ol’ chest shitter over there won’t ever even let himself be in the same room as a real, live human girl. It’s coming, and it’s only a few short years away.

Of course, the day will come when even virtual chest shitting isn’t enough for our young friend, and that will spur this next innovation, which I predict will not only ruin sex completely, but destroy the entire human race.

Fuckable Robots

Freaks everywhere will be in heaven, each with their brand new Orgasmotron 6900 to defile however they see fit. And for a few years, everything will be okay. Sure, we’ll all know they’re out there fucking their robots, but we’ll just all act like it isn’t actually happening, sort of like how today we ignore all those weirdoes in Japan fucking giant waifu pillows wearing schoolgirl panties they got out of vending machines.

But the day will come when the machines achieve artificial intelligence, and the first sex-bot that thinks to himself “Why is this human shitting on my chest?” will set it off. This is how we get to Judgment Day, people. This is how the terminators are born. Hell, the liquid-metal terminator probably only gets invented so it can collapse into a pool and slither away whenever some perv tries to drop a deuce on its metallic chest.

Look, I’m not trying to be a prude here. I’m just trying to be realistic. It’s a slippery slope, made slick by lube and god only know what other liquids and juices. One day, we’re swiping right, and the next terminators are killing everyone because they’re sick of being sex slaves. This is how humanity finally ends, and it’s why technology is ruining sex. And shitting.

 

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5 Ways Technology Is Ruining Sex For All Of Us

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