Why Each Of The 50 States Seriously Kicks Ass

We previously brought you reasons why every state in the United States sucked pretty hard, but ya know what? That was a little negative. So here’s reasons why every state in the nation is actually pretty awesome.


To truly comprehend how great it is that Alabama chose whiskey, keep in mind that Indiana chose WATER .


His name is Stubbs , his town is Talkeetna, and every afternoon he trots to a nearby restaurant and drinks from a wineglass filled with water and catnip.


Not sure if there’s much to add to this, other than more states should pass laws with the word ” Stupid ” in them.


Time to figure out how to say ” hell yeah ” in sign language.


THAT’S why you didn’t get a cameo in the Entourage movie, Putin.


Yep, despite being the pot capital of America, there is NO excuse not to be punctual in Colorado – all thanks to the atomic clock housed at the National Institute of Science and Technology.


Only two states never ratified America’s most buzzkill-y amendment, CT and Rhode Island. CT, however, was the FIRST state to say “aw hell no” to it.


Where? DelaTHERE , motherf***ers.


Also, it’s the height of an 11-story building . Hell yeah.


They’re known as the Georgia Guidestones and these are the lessons laid out:

  1. Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature.

  2. Guide reproduction wisely  — improving fitness and diversity.

  3. Unite humanity with a living new language.

  4. Rule passion  — faith  — tradition  — and all things with tempered reason.

  5. Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts.

  6. Let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court.

  7. Avoid petty laws and useless officials.

  8. Balance personal rights with social duties.

  9. Prize truth  — beauty  — love  — seeking harmony with the infinite.

  10. Be not a cancer on the earth  — Leave room for nature  — Leave room for nature.

We’ve kinda already messed up all of ’em. Oh well, maybe the post-apocalyptic society will do better.


Started in 1940 and originally known as ” Standard Games “, it primarily made slot machines to be installed in military bases.


Sorry, cannibals , better head to Wyoming.


Thanks for your moldy fruit , Illinois! No, for real, THANK YOU SO MANY LIVES HAVE BEEN SAVED.


Fun fact: pierogis are delicious .




It’s over 168 ft. high , you wind up going about 50 mph, and you’re DEFINITELY going to puke on it.


Let’s all go to Kentucky and have THE BEST PARTY EVER .


If not for a surgeon in Louisiana , we wouldn’t have a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey. I don’t even wanna think about it.


Maine, whatever you’re doing to keep the nightmare-spiders out , keep it up.


It’s like if Medieval Times were a state .


To be specific, it’s  810 trillionths of a degree F above absolute zero , at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, in the lab of  Wolfgang Ketterle. Or Boston in January! Who can tell the difference, am I right?


Better Made for life .


If you’re in Minnesota, make some time for Drive-a-Tank .

They’ve elected more SNL cast members to the Senate than any other state too.


Mississippians take their time when it comes to internet pornography, unlike SOME states(*cough* RHODE ISLAND *cough*)


Trolling the KKK is the best kind of trolling.


Also, the opening archaelogical dig from Jurassic Park takes place in Montana. GO TO MONTANA FOR DINO BONES !


Elsie Eisler ‘s personal town wasn’t that way by design – she originally lived there with her husband, Rudy, but he passed away in 2004.

Also, the state drink is Kool-Aid, so that’s pretty great too.


None of These Candidates ” has been the option with the most votes on 3 occasions since 1975.


Also probably home to America’s most successful dentists.


Of  course , Superman lives in Delaware. Explains so much.

new mexico

Sure, the scientific community would disagree with this, but you gotta give some respect to a state that stands up for its former planets.


Weirdly enough , it’s all people’s dads yelling “I’m walkin’ heah!” in a stereotypical Brooklyn accent.


…and both bombs came INCREDIBLY close to detonating, with 3 of the 4 safety mechanisms on one of the bombs unlocked. Ultimately, it was thanks to a solitary low-voltage switch that North Carolina didn’t get wiped off the map in nuclear fire.


North Dakotans are just happy , much like how I feel when I’m in a grocery store and I don’t hear the song “Happy” playing.


Judge Cicconetti loves him some irony, and is pretty just with his sentences, which include:

  • Making a woman who abandoned 35 kittens in a forest spend a night in the woods herself.
  • Ordering a man who shot a dog to donate 40  lbs of dog food on every holiday to the local animal shelter.
  • Had  two teens who wrote 666 on a Jesus figure in a nativity scene lead a donkey through the streets, with a sign saying: “Sorry for the jackass offense, but he is soooo cute!”



Meteorologist Don Woods would regularly draw Gusty in his weathercasts , often showing him following safety procedures in times of inclement weather.



This mushroom ( Armillaria Ostoyae ) is approximately 2,400 years old, has spread through the roots of trees for over 2,200 acres, and is bigger than any organism we have ever recorded. Pretty cool! Terrifying, but cool.



“And heeeeere come the pretzels !”



The basketball team is called the Balls and the hockey team is called the Nads. The chant for the hockey team is “Go Nads!”



The ” Truth in Barbecue ” law states that offenders can be fined $200 or serve 30 days in jail.



Clark, SD , sounds like a nice place – or a sick joke against the descendants Irish Potato Famine.


The treehouse (located in Crossville) is about 100 feet in the air, 11 stories tall, and is wayyyy cooler than whatever treehouse your dad built for you.


And not only that, but two more Texas cities made the top ten – Arlington in 7th, and Houston in 10th.


45% of its residents typically engage in volunteer work.


In the year of the last census (2010), there were 7 murders in Vermont, only 2 of which were gun-related. Might look ominous, but they should really change their state motto to “It’s Pretty Unlikely You’ll Be Murdered Here.”


8 presidents were born in Virginia – and good ones too, like Washington and Jefferson. No Rutherford B. Hayes’s, like SOME states we could name. (*cough* OHIO *cough*)


The state average for Washington is  45.6Mbps . I am seething with jealousy right now.


Pretty cool that your state exists as a “F*** YOU” to the Confederacy , West Virginia.


And there’s a pretty good chance you’ll be able to find someone willing to take you to a bar, given there are nearly as many bars in Wisconsin as California, despite having around 1/6 of its population.


Seriously, go check it out sometime .


Why Each Of The 50 States Seriously Kicks Ass

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