There’s a fine line between a numerator and Denominator.

Only a fraction of people understand that joke.

Justice is a dish best served cold because…

…if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

I’m kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer.

I gave ’em my too weak notice.

The wife caught me cross-dressing.

So I packed her things and left.

My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

Well, I’ve got some news for her.

At a recent job interview I was asked about my background.

I whipped out my phone and showed him that it was a picture of a dog eating spaghetti.

Where did Noah keep the bees?

In the Ark Hives.

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothesline.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

What’s green and smells like pork?

Kermit’s finger.

My girlfriend says I have commitment issues!

Well, technically she’s my wife.

What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

“If we don’t get some support people will think we’re nuts”

A man is asked to go to the store by his wife.

She tells him – “buy me a gallon of milk, and if they have avocados, get me 6.”

When man returns from the store, the wife asks him – “why did you get 6 gallons of milk?”

He replies, “they had avocados”

Circumcision is barbaric and cruel.

I didn’t speak to my parents for a year after I was circumcised.

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more bean would be too farty.

Did you hear about the guy who died during a penis transplant?

He will be remembered.

I hear voices telling me to do things I don’t want to do…

“Take out the trash”

“Do the dishes”

“Clean the litter box”

Why did I get married?

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. Doctors cannoli do so much,

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