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The 6 Most Anatomically Confusing Video Game Characters

BEEP BOOP VIDEO GAMES BEEP ARE ILLOGICAL BOOP. I am a robot designed to make sense of video game logic. Since I am a robot, I do not understand when video game characters refuse to follow the laws of physics. Please help me. Only when I solve these mysteries am I permitted to die. Check out the most anatomically confusing video game characters!

Yoshi and Birdo

anatomically confusing birdo
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Nintendo would have us believe Yoshi is a boy and Birdo is a girl and they love each other and that’s the end of the story. I say fie on thee, Nintendo, for thy malicious lies. For one, they both produce eggs, so they must be biologically female. But both of them have been referred to by Nintendo as male, so they must be male-identifying. But Birdo’s description in the Super Mario Bros. 2 manual says, “He thinks he is a girl and spits eggs from his mouth.” So Birdo is a female-by-birth trans man who still considers himself female? WHICH ONE IS IT, NINTENDO? I NEED TO KNOW HOW YOSHI AND BIRDO HAVE SEX, THERE IS A VERY IMPORTANT FANFIC RIDING ON THIS INFORMATION.

Bayonetta

anatomically confusing bayonetta
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Hey. You guys. Hair doesn’t work like that. I have written literally thousands of letters to Sega and Nintendo telling them to get this right, but they’ve fallen on deaf ears. I’ve included a severed ear in the last few hundred letters but they don’t seem to get the joke. (Side note, if any of you guys have ears you’re not using, let me know. I’ll find you.)

The Prince (Katamari Damacy series)

anatomically confusing prince
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How tall is the Prince? His size varies from a couple centimeters tall to almost a meter. Whatever size he is, he’s capable of pushing balls the size of the moon around without much difficulty, which means he must have roughly the density of a black hole. So why isn’t the planet swallowed up around him? I know it’s dumb to ask serious questions about a series where you make stars out of household objects, but hey, you clicked on the article, now I gotta deliver.

Samus

anatomically confusing samus
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Samus’s suits are some magical sh*t. Even in the Prime series, where they made it much larger than in the 2D versions, there’s no possible way she could fit into the Morph Ball without breaking her legs (I DON’T CARE WHAT GAME THEORY SAYS). And how does she jump in that thing? Hell if I know. Plus there’s the Gravity Suit, which lets her move through dense fluids with the same ease as air. HAH! Not likely, Nintendo. Clearly your only move now is to release a new Metroid game that answers all these questions (please do it I love Metroid more than my family).

Everyone in Final Fantasy VII

anatomically confusing ffvii
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In the overworld, their heads are huge and their bodies are small. But in battle, they’re shaped normally. WHICH ONE IS IT, Final Fantasy VII?! #CONSPIRACIES #HEADSIZEGATE #TEACHTHECONTROVERSY

Kirby

anatomically confusing kirby
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Kirby is either the only thing in the universe capable of destroying matter, or he can make it so compact that it effectively disappears. Couple that with an insatiable, all-consuming appetite and you have one terrifying video game character. Word on the street says ISIS is heavily recruiting Kirby right now but Kirby isn’t going for it.

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