In every first-person shooter, third-person shooter, or hell, even fifth-person shooter (it’s gettin’ existential in here, y’all), players are exposed to a BUTTLOAD (Yes that’s a real measurement) of insane weapons, from rocket launchers to sniper rifles to plasma cannons. But some games don’t take themselves quite so seriously and slip in some phenomenally silly weapons, sometimes as unlockables, sometimes as just a straight-up part of the game that you have to accept as a normal part of this bonkers virtual world. Here are six of the most ridiculous weapons in video game history.
Foam Finger – Dead Space 2
The Dead Space games are known for being some of the most outright terrifying experiences you’ll ever have, so it’s refreshing that they included this little bit of comic relief to assuage our nightmares, if only for a bit. After playing through the second installment of the franchise twice (once to unlock Hard Core mode, and once more on said mode), the player will unlock the Hand Cannon weapon. While that name might seem ordinary, the Hand Cannon takes the form of a red foam finger, the type you’d see at sporting events. Shooting it will cause the character wielding it to shout “Bang! Bang!” or “Pew! Pew! Pew!”, making for delightfully silly horror. The best part? It is by far the most effective weapon in the game, resulting in instant kills nearly one hundred percent of the time. Now that’s foam I can get behind.
Mr. Toots – Red Faction: Armageddon
Speaking of deathly serious games that aren’t afraid to have a little fun after the credits roll, we come to the world-famous Mr. Toots. Once players finish Red Faction: Armageddon, they’ll have access to Mr. Toots, a unicorn with gigantic eyes who, when wielded as a weapon, shoots rainbow laser beams out of his rear end. Like Dead Space 2’s Hand Cannon, Mr. Toots is lethal when utilized. And, see, that’s what is so respectable about the team that created something like Mr. Toots — when the obvious answer would’ve been goring someone to death with his unicorn horn, they instead opt for anal rainbow lasers.
Slappers – Goldeneye 007
Ah, yes, that classic staple of N64 multiplayer gaming — slappers. In a world where James Bond exists, a world that features the Golden goddamned Gun of Scaramanga, what weapon is more ridiculous than your fleshy, injury-prone, God-given bare hands? And sure, one could argue that with punches or chops, it’s slightly more believable, but damn it, it’s called SLAPPERS, so I’m choosing to believe that with this mode enabled, you are straight-up SLAPPING your enemies to death.
Mecha Ice Cream Truck – Twisted Metal
Let’s get this out of the way — if I’m talking about video games, chances are I’m going to somehow shoehorn in the timeless Twisted Metal series, and what do you know? It fits perfectly here. While it’s true that virtually anything in the series could be fodder for a “Ridiculous Weapons” list, it was Sweet Tooth’s special weapon in both Twisted Metal: Black and 2012’s Twisted Metal that earns its honors — activate it, and you’re no longer just controlling an ice cream truck driven by a murderous clown, but a freaking MECH SUIT with a FLAMING CLOWN HEAD. It doesn’t get much more twisted OR metal than that.
Dubstep Gun – Saints Row IV
Of course Saints Row IV was going to be on this list, but not for the big, floppy, phallic weapon you’re thinking of. Get your mind out of the gutter. No, with this weapon, get ready to DROP THAT BASS, as the Dubstep Gun infuses your game with all kinds of wub-wub. What this game made me realize is that we desperately need the Dubstep Gun in other games. Who wouldn’t want to see John Marston from Red Dead Redemption getting down to some Skrillex out on the open range?
Everything – South Park
Depending on which version of the original South Park game you played, you may or may not remember it as hot garbage. Be that as it may, it had a pretty killer arsenal of weapons, including a cow launcher, a sniper chicken, Terrance & Phillip dolls, and snowballs. Oh, and those snowballs? You could … er … “enhance” them to make yellow snowballs. And if you get hit with one of them, well, urine trouble. [Mic drop] [Break for massive applause / Standing ovation / “Tyler Won the Internet” award for that joke]
Which ridiculous weapon would you use to take out a legion of the walking dead? Or even just Carl from The Walking Dead?
The 6 Most Awesomely Silly Video Game Weapons