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Here’s some nostalgia for your ass: Remember Scholastic book fairs? When you’d get all hopped up on Goosebumps and think LeVar Burton would be SUPER proud of you because of the goddamned power of books? Am I dating myself enough here? Well, one of the coolest parts of THAT was finding out all sorts of obscure, dangerous world records when the new Guinness book came around! So consider this your Scholastic Book Fair 2015 or whatever. Here are six Guinness World Records that should NOT be broken.

Most Spiders On A Body For 30 Seconds

guinness records spiders
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This probably goes without saying, but NOPE. This young boy is Tom Buchanan, who is from Austral– ohhh, he’s from Australia? THAT explains EVERYTHING. Australia, if you didn’t know, is where nightmares are both born and come to die, so of course it’s no sweat off this kid’s sack to have 125 Golden Orb spiders just chillin’ on his person. NOPE.

Most Ghost Peppers Eaten In One Sitting

guinness records peppers
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Meet Jason McNabb, who is either what you might call certifiably crazo-bonkers (technical term, obviously), or pants-wettingly manly. Whichever one it is, this guy took one look at a Ghost pepper (400 times hotter than Tabasco, bee-tee-dubs) and decided “What are you, a baby? GIMME 66 GRAMS OF THEM SUCKERS.” He can now summon fire at will (but only out of his butt, HEY-OH, LET’S HEAR IT FOR FIERY FART JOKES, Y’ALL).

Most Snake Bites Sustained In A Lifetime

guinness records snake bites
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This is W.E. Haast, who, judging by the name, was a Wild West frontiersman that kilt him a b’ar when he was only three. What? No? That’s not right? Ah, right, he was more commonly known as “Bill”. That isn’t quite as fun. You know what else isn’t fun? Sustaining not one, not two, but 173 SNAKE BITES IN YOUR LIFETIME. And guess what else? They were all poisonous. So, just know that you’re less of a man than this guy was.

Most Big Macs Eaten By A Person

guinness records big macs
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You may know Don Gorske from his appearance in Morgan Spurlock’s 2004 documentary, Super Size Me. If you do, then congrats on your taste in weird documentaries, but also, you’ll know that dude LOVES him a Big Mac. Like, to the tune of 26,000 of them. At about 563 calories per Big Mac, that works out to 14,638,000 calories. Normally, this is where I’d say “Looks like Don GORSKE can’t fit through his front DOOR-SKE,” but, uh, dude is actually super skinny. So… no opportunity for great puns there.

Most Bones Broken In A Lifetime

guinness records evel
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Could this record have belonged to anyone else? Evel Knievel broke 433 bones by the end of his life. That’s not quite every bone in his body, so the record doesn’t really roll off the tongue like it should, but 433! Man! I stub my toe and I’m out of commission for a week. If only he’d done all of that specifically to beat the crap out of his jerk step-dad like the ultimate stuntman — HOT ROD.

6 Guinness World Records That Should Just Be Left Alone

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