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“SOMETHING’S GOTTA CHANGE.” Those are the words I muttered to myself as I finished off a pint of ice cream. I didn’t even use a spoon. To counter-act all the fat I devoured, I then drank a glass of cold-pressed Kale juice and flogged myself. That’s IT, you guys – I am officially going on a diet. In no time at all I will be the woman of every man’s dreams. Can’t wait. Anyone want some ice cream?

1. Self-Loathing at your current state

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Your jeans are ripping in strange places, you’re eating serving sizes meant for a family of four, and the thought of looking at yourself naked before entering the shower terrifies you. You know it’s time to make a change, but, like, maybe after you finish that cookie.

 

2. Getting super amped for the diet

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You’ve bought the Paleo Cookbook online and browsed at least three relevant blogs. This diet is going to be a piece of CAKE. Er, not cake … no cake. You can never again have a piece of cake. This diet is going to be a piece of GRAIN-FREE RAW BROWNIE BITES. (Phew, that was a close one). Fat, prepare to be terminated!

 

3. Telling everyone that you’re on a diet

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If you’re on a diet, you’re going to be talking about it incessantly. While this will be super annoying to anyone around you, it’s literally the only thing you can think about because you are freaking starving. Plus, you kind of think that the more you say it out loud, the better the odds you’ll actually do it. But, yeah, super annoying.

 

4. Cheat a little bit

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What’s one bite of bacon gonna do? It’s just one bite! Plus, how can anyone say “no” to bacon? That’s absurd! Bacon is like a special gift from above that is not meant to be wasted. NOT having a bite would be like spitting in God’s face.

 

5. Cheat a lot

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Well, now that you’ve cheated, you might as well go all the way, right? I mean, this “diet day” is ruined so let’s just pile on alllllll the off-limit foods. Chocolate-covered potato chips at Trader Joe’s? Sure, why not. A burger with bacon and a fried egg on top? No reason not to! Everything that is currently in your best friends’ pantry? Yes, please! (Now cry as you’re eating it all to signify defeat.)

 

6. Give up and Try Again in a Month

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You gave it your best shot. Well, maybe not your best shot, but you gave it a shot. Anyways, food is too delicious to just not eat it, amiright? You can always do this whole diet thing later, and you also realized that you’re just perfect the way you are. SELF ESTEEM!

 

What happens to you when you try and go on a diet?

 

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