COURTNEY STODDEN AND DOUG HUTCHISON
Courtney Stodden married Doug Hutchison (The Green Mile, Lost) when she was 16 and he was 51. They met when Courtney did some modeling for Doug’s production company, Dark Water, so not only could he be her dad, he was also her boss. Shortly after their “marriage,” they separated, but remained neighbors, because real couples absolutely love watching late night booty calls come and go from their ex’s house. Apparently they’ve since gotten back together, because that’s a storyline they can sell for the only type of work they can get now, which is reality TV shows on completely unknown outlets.
KALEY CUOCO AND HENRY CAVILL
KIM KARDASHIAN AND KRIS HUMPHRIES
Nothing Kim Kardashian does has even the vaguest sense of authenticity, so why should her marriage to Kris Humphries? Or for that matter, either of her other husbands. Yes, aside from her current man, Kanye West, who we believe would marry a poster of himself if it was legal, Kim was once married to music producer, Damon Thomas. He at least lasted four years. Humphries famously hit the bricks only 72 days after the nuptials and didn’t waste a second telling anyone who would listen that he felt like he was the pawn in a publicity stunt wedding, cooked up for the sole purpose of TV ratings. Hope that pre-nup was ironclad, Yeezy.
TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES
MICHAEL JACKSON AND DEBBIE ROWE
Michael Jackson married his dermatologist’s nurse, Debbie Rowe, shortly after his divorce from Lisa Marie Presley (another make-believe marriage we won’t get into). They had two kids together during their three year marriage, which ended with Debbie handing over full custodial rights in exchange for a mansion and a huge chunk of change. As if that doesn’t indicate their motives clearly enough, take a minute and track down their wedding photo. You can practically hear their thoughts: Debbie – “Cha-CHING!” Michael – “Don’t vomit…don’t vomit…don’t vomit…”
JENNIFER ANISTON AND VINCE VAUGHN
TAYLOR SWIFT AND [INSERT ANY GUY SHE DATED JUST BEFORE RELEASING AN ALBUM HERE]
Taylor Swift’s reputation for ex-shaming in her lyrics is legendary. That is, if your idea of a legend is a self-proclaimed “nightmare dressed like a daydream (actual lyrics)” who will profit off of your failure to propose to her after two dates. The list is long: Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer, Harry Styles, Joe Jonas, and two guys named Drew. Okay, that’s only six guys, but it begs the question; Does Taylor Swift ever date anyone not for the story? At the time of this writing, she’s currently with DJ Calvin Harris, so we look forward to the release of her smash single “Scratched My Heart Like A Record.” Should be next year’s song of the summer.