7 HOLLYWOOD RELATIONSHIPS THAT WERE COMPLETELY FAKE

Even real Hollywood couples have difficulty making it in the long run. The rumors, the gossip, and even just the way the harsh glare of the spotlight can make the mundane seem scandalous can all take their toll on a relationship. That said, when the relationship is about as genuine as soap opera dialogue, it’s easy to call BS. Here is a list of some of the most obvious fake Hollywood couples.

COURTNEY STODDEN AND DOUG HUTCHISON

Courtney Stodden married Doug Hutchison (The Green Mile, Lost) when she was 16 and he was 51. They met when Courtney did some modeling for Doug’s production company, Dark Water, so not only could he be her dad, he was also her boss. Shortly after their “marriage,” they separated, but remained neighbors, because real couples absolutely love watching late night booty calls come and go from their ex’s house. Apparently they’ve since gotten back together, because that’s a storyline they can sell for the only type of work they can get now, which is reality TV shows on completely unknown outlets.

KALEY CUOCO AND HENRY CAVILL

Just as Man of Steel came out in 2013, Henry Cavill started dating Kaley Cuoco. Their brief relationship had no shortage of middle school-style hand-holding and visits to a popular LA farmer’s market, where the paparazzi notoriously hang out. Cuoco was a hugely recognizable star of The Big Bang Theory, while Cavill was a relative unknown before becoming the new Superman. Coincidentally, they were both represented by the same PR firm. Not coincidentally, they broke up within weeks, because the whole thing was probably cooked up in a board room where someone’s assistant got fired after failing to secure the proper foam level on a latte.

KIM KARDASHIAN AND KRIS HUMPHRIES

Nothing Kim Kardashian does has even the vaguest sense of authenticity, so why should her marriage to Kris Humphries? Or for that matter, either of her other husbands. Yes, aside from her current man, Kanye West, who we believe would marry a poster of himself if it was legal, Kim was once married to music producer, Damon Thomas. He at least lasted four years. Humphries famously hit the bricks only 72 days after the nuptials and didn’t waste a second telling anyone who would listen that he felt like he was the pawn in a publicity stunt wedding, cooked up for the sole purpose of TV ratings. Hope that pre-nup was ironclad, Yeezy.

TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES

Tom Cruise didn’t even have to dent Oprah’s couch for people to question his marriage to Katie Holmes, although that certainly didn’t help matters. They only dated for two months before Tom proposed at the top of the Eiffel Tower in a cliché so perfect we only hope the ring was baked into a soufflé. Katie was pregnant four months later, and they married approximately one year after that. Shrouded in Scientology secrecy, their relationship was plagued with bizarre rumors, including one about a marriage contract that detailed bonuses Katy would receive for having more children. Not bad work if you can get it, but not exactly the kind of Nicholas Sparks “dying together while holding hands” romance they wanted everyone to believe it was.

MICHAEL JACKSON AND DEBBIE ROWE

Michael Jackson married his dermatologist’s nurse, Debbie Rowe, shortly after his divorce from Lisa Marie Presley (another make-believe marriage we won’t get into). They had two kids together during their three year marriage, which ended with Debbie handing over full custodial rights in exchange for a mansion and a huge chunk of change. As if that doesn’t indicate their motives clearly enough, take a minute and track down their wedding photo. You can practically hear their thoughts: Debbie – “Cha-CHING!” Michael – “Don’t vomit…don’t vomit…don’t vomit…”

JENNIFER ANISTON AND VINCE VAUGHN

Coming off the heels of her ugly separation from Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston found herself conveniently in the arms of her co-star from The Break-Up, Vince Vaughn. And just in time to promote their movie! What better way to rub it in your ex’s face than basically saying, “Hey, you know that guy I was spending 16 hour days with that I told you was strictly professional? Yeah, I’m sleeping with him now.” They stayed together for about a year, or in industry terms “Just until the rental and DVD sales to start dipping. We don’t really care if people watch it on cable, our backend is guaranteed there.”

TAYLOR SWIFT AND [INSERT ANY GUY SHE DATED JUST BEFORE RELEASING AN ALBUM HERE]

Taylor Swift’s reputation for ex-shaming in her lyrics is legendary. That is, if your idea of a legend is a self-proclaimed “nightmare dressed like a daydream (actual lyrics)” who will profit off of your failure to propose to her after two dates. The list is long: Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer, Harry Styles, Joe Jonas, and two guys named Drew. Okay, that’s only six guys, but it begs the question; Does Taylor Swift ever date anyone not for the story? At the time of this writing, she’s currently with DJ Calvin Harris, so we look forward to the release of her smash single “Scratched My Heart Like A Record.” Should be next year’s song of the summer.