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7 Movie Hacks That Will Change How You Go to the Theater

7 Movie Hacks That Will Change How You Go to the Theater

Do you like to go to a movie theater to opine about how everything is so much more expensive then it used to be? Do you look up at the marquee, pick a movie at random, and say, “well that sounds terrible”? And then do you go in and see that very movie, and then walk out of the theater telling everyone that it was terrible but deep down you enjoyed it and just want to be a contrarian? Well then, congratulations! You’re doing it wrong. Here are some helpful hacks that will get you the most bang for your buck when you go see a big budget blockbuster,

 

Straw Your Popcorn For Better Butter Distribution

movie hacks popcorn
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Is this you: *guy sticks his entire face under the butter dispenser and holds it down so that globs and globs of butter pour down on him, into his eyes and up his nose* Have you ever thought, “there has to be a better way”? Well now there is! Introducing, straws! Recently invented by the Sumerians in 3,000 B.C.E., straws are now conveniently available in most movie theaters and allow for more even distribution of butter though your popcorn. Simply affix one end of the straw to the butter dispenser and place the other end midway down your tub of popcorn. Now isn’t that better? *the same guy drinks butter directly from the butter dispenser through a crazy straw and gives a way too enthusiastic double thumbs up that turns into an air hump*

 

Check Your IMAX Screen To Make Sure You Aren’t Living A Lie

movie hacks imax
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Remember in the early 2000s when IMAX screens were exclusively used for weird nature documentaries and random films about space? Didn’t those IMAX films seem a lot bigger? Well of course they did — you were a child (or an adult that was really into seeing nature documentaries). But at the same time, it isn’t just nostalgia playing tricks on you — not all “IMAX” screens are made equal anymore. True IMAX screens are around 72-feet tall, but to allow theaters to install more screens, they now come in sizes that are less… max. Be sure to check online before paying the extra cash to make sure you’re seeing Zootopia on the absolute biggest screen humanly possible.

 

Go Ahead And Walk Out Of Movies That Suck Or Have Rude People (Read: Babies) In The Theater

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Did you just realize that nothing in 10 Cloverfield Lane will make sense if you haven’t seen Cloverfield Lanes one through nine, but you’ve already bought your ticket? Well that’s fine — so long as it’s not during the credits of a film, most theaters will refund your money or give you a voucher for another film if you don’t like the one you went into. Also, if your movie theater has a baby with zero chill that isn’t as into Hail, Caesar as you are, just go the to box office and tell them. Often times theaters DO HAVE tons of chill about comping you free tickets or a refund if your experience was less then ideal. Also, go ahead and scam that system as much as you want if you;re a parent with an infant by having your partner take the kid and sit somewhere different from you and then complaining about it to the manager when you own kid starts crying. It’s a dick move for everyone else in the theater, but you deserve some free movie times.

 

Pop In Some Earplugs So That You Can Still Enjoy Movies 50 Years From Now

movie hacks loud
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Turns out, most theaters blast their soundtracks slightly louder than the recommended level of sounds that human ears are meant to endure. That means your seventh time seeing Fury Road might actually do some lasting damage to your hearing. But you can buy sweet earplugs that are actually specifically made so you can hear the good stuff while shutting out all the bad excess noise on the internet for cheap. And those earplugs are worth it if you can’t right now hear the low hum that’s been playing ever since you opened this article. The hum’s even growing louder. Don’t hear it yet? Oh, don’t worry. You will.

 

RunPee

movie hacks runpee
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One of the greatest apps ever invented for people who have small bladders (right behind Toilender, which is Tinder for nearest public restrooms) is RunPee. The app tells you exactly when you should duck out of the movie to relieve yourself or replenish your refreshments or just wander aimlessly for 5 minutes to figure out where exactly the DC universe went wrong (This technically counts as a negative review of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and I would like my check made out to cash please, Disney). So now you can finally get the jumbo-sized drum of Cola you’ve been dreaming of but have always avoided because the human bladder can only expand so much before it bursts.

 

Bring a Sweatshirt

movie hacks hoodie
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It might be chilly in the theater or outside the theater after the movie is over. So bring a sweater, just in case. Also, if you walk in carrying the sweatshirt under your arm rather than wearing it, you can hide like an entire liter of soda in it. It will also be something to hide under during the scary parts of Miracles from Heaven.

 

2D Glasses

movie hacks 2d
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Are you spending a sh*t ton of money to see movies in 3D only to get motion sickness? But do you also really get off on paying the most money possible to see a movie? Well now you can buy glasses that will make a 3D movie look 2D. That’s way more sensible than just going to see the movie in 2D in the first place. No, definitely the way out of this hole is to dig deeper, by investing more money for glasses that negate the reason you paid more money for your tickets in the first place. While you’re at it, there’s a great device that Dr. Dre and myself have just invented that will turn a color movie into black and white and also remove the sound from it. Movies by Dre can be yours for the low three-payment cost of $12,999.

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One reply on “7 Movie Hacks That Will Change How You Go to the Theater”

2D glasses: buy them or…. take two pairs of glasses and take swap one lens from each, flipping it over so the front becomes the back. You will have two vertically polarised filters and two horizontal.

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