By now everyone has seen the new Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer.  We’ve been excited about this movie since it was first announced, and with this final piece of the puzzle (that they’re giving us) now in place, here are a few things about The Force Awakens that we can probably be sure of:

Nonstop Ads About Related Products

Finn Han and Chewie

If it wasn’t clear after “Force Friday” merchandise sold out so quickly (even though I’m not sure anyone actually got anything?), it is now — there is going to be Star Wars EVERYTHING, and we have to be okay with ads for Star Wars junk being as omni-present as the ads for Draft Kings. Because soon, we will not be living on Earth; we’ll be on Disney’s™ Star Wars™ Presents: Earth™©.

We Aren’t Kids Anymore

alien tongue lashes around for something to grab

I think most Star Wars fans were either kids when the movies came out, or were introduced to the films as kids by someone who was a kid when the movies came out. But now, many of us are adults, and we need to know that these are still kids’ movies. They may well be very good kids movies, but I wouldn’t expect anything even as adult as J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek movies (which, weirdly enough, felt a lot more like Star Wars than they did Star Trek). Even the dialogue in the trailer (“I will finish… what you started”; “There are stories about what happened”) isn’t the most complex, layered stuff. It can still be a lot of fun, as long as you’re not hoping for some sort of Dark Knight-esque grit.

New Characters

kylo ren poses in the rain

Yeah, Han Solo gets a little time in the trailer, but Leia only makes one brief, wordless appearance, and Luke’s not even on the damned poster. But Kylo Ren, Rey, and Finn get the VAST majority of the screen time, so this is clearly a movie about new characters in an existing universe, not necessarily a continuation of the stories of the original trilogy’s characters.

Not Based On Existing Stories

han talking to the squirts

The trailer really seems to confirm that the expanded universe of books/comics/whatever are not canon. That means all you super nerds are going into this thing just as blind as the rest of us, so we don’t have to worry about your penchant for threatening us with spoilers. WE ARE FREE FROM YOUR TYRANNY!

This Will Be The Biggest Movie Ever

Poe gets that force attack

It took me 90 minutes to get my tickets online for a movie that is coming out two months from now. What time is the screening of the movie? Four in the morning. Four. In the morning. How many tickets had been sold? About half of the theater. The Force Awakens is going to kill the previous biggest opening ever. Bodies will be left in its wake, and if the movie is even just pretty good, it will continue its warpath until James Cameron begs for mercy. But The Force Awakens will show no mercy, and it will trounce the former biggest movie ever without a moment of hesitation.

It Will Have A Cliffhanger Ending

nerds hanging out

No one had any idea if the first Star Wars would work, so they gave us some closure at the end. This movie? We know we’re getting two more sequels, and they’re going to leave us DANGLING, son!

It Won’t Be The Same

poe and finn saying what’s up

I’m not saying The Force Awakens won’t be good — because I’ll be honest, it looks incredible — but we’ll never recapture the magic of the original Star Wars trilogy. No one saw it coming, and even though he wanted to make a kid’s space adventure, George Lucas was able to inject his space opera with the sensibilities of one of the most dynamic periods in American film making. This batch of Star Wars films is going to be so micromanaged by fifty different studio execs, who all want some credit for its success and no blame if it goes wrong. There is no way it won’t be a film made by committee. Sometimes that can still result in great films, but it’s not going to depict a singular vision the way the original trilogy did.


Are you stoked for The Force Awakens or what? Let us know in the comments!


7 Things We Just Have to ACCEPT About ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’


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