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Let’s first look at the name: blowjob. Blowjob. No one wants to think of fellatio as a job you have to work at.

When men go down on women, it’s called eating out.

Who doesn’t love going out to eat, right? When you were a kid, going out to eat was such treat. No wonder men like going down on women so much — it’s just like another Pizza Hut to them.

Instead of calling blowjobs jobs, why don’t we call it something more exciting? Like Blow Happy Hour or Blow Brunch? Who doesn’t love going to brunch? Every woman loves going to brunch!

“I’m about to go to brunch on this man.”

It already sounds so much more fun.

It’s not that I don’t like going down on a man; it can always be fun and sexy to turn someone on, and blowjobs are a big part of foreplay.

It’s just that sometimes, going down on a man can get very tedious and my ADD mind tends to wander.

Here are the 50 things that definitely go through a woman’s head while going down on a man:

1. Alright, I got this!

2. You’re about to rock his world.

3. Breathe through your nose, idiot.

4. I hope my throat won’t hurt tomorrow.

5. Should I try butt stuff? Maybe he’ll like it. No, Kristin! Don’t do it.

6. I will never understand this hand thing.

7. Is it supposed to be a lollipop or Popsicle stick?

8. If you touch my head one more time, I’m going to f*cking kill you.

9. Should I make eye contact?

10. Pretty sure it’s like a Popsicle.

11. Ugh, just cum already.

12. I have so much hair. I wish I had a hair tie.

13. Just maybe try butt stuff?

14. Make some noise, Kristin.

15. Well, that was weird.

16. Jesus, Kristin, be careful of teeth.

17. Do you think he felt that?

18. Just because you can deep throat doesn’t mean that —

19. *Gags*

20. Ew, our parents totally used to give blowjobs.

21. Maybe they still do?

22. Ew, get that out of your mind.

23 Ah, so much hair.

24. Okay, here it goes. I’m going to try some butt —

25. NOPE, NOPE. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? GO BACK UP!

26. You can try to finger his butt, but you cant ask him to go on a date with you? What is wrong with you?

27. Oh God, why is this still happening to me ?

28. Aw, I can’t believe my cat Fluffy died. RIP.

29. Who was the first person to ever do this?

30. “Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit… Total eclipse of the heart…”

31. I think I have to pee.

32. Oh, right. My hand.

33. He’s making weird noises, so this can’t suck.

34. It probably sucks.

35. Haha, sucks.

36. Okay, I’m over this.

37. He better go down on me this long.

38. I wish I had a dick.

39. When can women stop giving blowjobs?

40. “Turn around, bright eyes. Every now and then I fall apart…”

41. I wonder if he is in love with me yet?

42. I better be getting breakfast in the morning.

43. Look who’s ready to cum!

44. YES! Bring it on!

45. Where is it?

46. Oh God. It’s happening.

47. Just smile.

48. Good job, sport.

46. Well, now that that’s over, my turn!

50. Oh, now he’s tired? Loser.

NOW… Here are the 25 things men think about on those rare occasions when a woman is performing oral.

  1. Man, it’s a good thing I fired off the gun before the date
  2. Man, it’s a good thing I showered before the date
  3. Man, I wish I remembered to write down her name before the date
  4. Well, that’s one way to start this off. Another option would have been “gently”
  5. Baseball. Think about baseball.
  6. Will she notice if I pick my nose? She won’t. I’ll just WHY IS SHE LOOKING UP! Actually, that’s kind of hot..
  7. In hindsight, Mexican food for dinner…
  8. Keep tensing up, make it seem bigger. Good job. Mental high five.
  9. She has all her teeth. Using them all wasn’t necessary..
  10. I wonder if she’s going to write about this for Elite Daily
  11. Batting third and playing left field, Matt Holliday!
  12. I’m going to run my fingers through her hair. That’s a solid move.
  13. Karen. It’s Karen. Mental high five.
  14. I can’t believe she was still interested in me even after I told her I was in sales…
  15. Has she ever done this before? I’d believe if she said no…
  16. I DID WRITE DOWN HER NAME! It’s in my wallet. How do I reach for it? Why would I need my wallet right now? She’ll think I’m going for cash to pay her. I’m not sure I’d pay for this…ALRIGHT THAT! I’D PAY FOR THAT!
  17. Do I have to go down on her now? Is that expected? I mean I’ll do it but I’ll go soft immediately and we’re back at square one. I don’t want to give oral all night, this isn’t a Cinemax movie.
  18. I’ve never looked at my ceiling this long. Ceilings are just taken for granted. They’re pretty vital when you SHE’S DOING IT AGAIN WHAT IS THAT PLEASE DON’T STOP BATTING FOURTH FIRST BASEMAN MATT ADAMS!
  19. Man, she’s pretty good at this. You know who gave great blowjobs, old what’s her name…what was her name? It’s in my wallet I think…
  20. That was close. Maybe I should tell her to stop. I mean I’m enjoying this but you don’t hang around the cheese plate when there’s a carving station just a couple steps ahead.
  21. If she keeps going I’m going to finish. I don’t want to finish. How do I nicely tell her to stop?
  22. I mean if she wants me to finish, I will, but then we can’t have sex for like an hour. Is it an hour? Or is that eating and swimming? Which one do I have to wait an hour for?
  23. She’s REALLY good at this. Almost too good. Kind of like she’s done it a bunch. Stop! You’ll lose your boner!
  24. Alright, I’ve gone through the entire Cardinals lineup and the lineup from the ’82 team and my dick is about ready to do an Ozzie Smith flip and put a Willie McGee mustache on her. I better get her to stop.
  25. Ugh, how long do I have to stay down here?

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