Maybe it’s because I’m getting older. Some might even say it’s because I’m getting wiser. Regardless, I don’t do much heavy drinking anymore. In fact, I barely do it at all. The novelty seems to have simply worn off. Those with a similarly dwindling taste for alcohol — and yes, I’m fully aware that I’m in the minority here — know how exhausting the process can be when they are occasionally dragged out to a bar. I’ve come up with eight reasons why I think this is.

People Take Offense
reasons it sucks not to be a big drinker, sober at the bar funny, happy gilmore breaks bottle
More than anything else, those who are drinking at the bar are disgusted with you for not partaking. It’s as if they think you’re trying to act all better than them or something. That’s why I’ve started implementing the phrase “no offense” into the routine. “Nah, I’m not drinking tonight. No offense.” So far, I’ve noticed no change in unnecessary hatred toward me. But I suppose that could just be a personal problem.

Sober Bar Conversations With Inebriated People
reasons it sucks not to be a big drinker, sober at the bar funny, simpsons quiet you drunk
Even people who indulge frequently have been in this situation many times, but it’s much more tolerable when intoxicated. When you get stuck, or worse, cornered talking to someone who should have been cut off hours ago and is likely unknowingly spitting in your face as they speak, things get pretty unbearable fast. And that’s not even factoring in whatever completely useless thing they are yammering on about as you try to figure out an escape plan. Sadly, even if you’re lucky enough to find someone else at the bar who also isn’t drinking, nine times out of ten they are lamer to converse with than the stinking drunk!

The Bartender Double Ignores You
reasons it sucks not to be a big drinker, sober at the bar funny, back to the future milk
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve never been able to catch a bartender’s attention at a busy establishment as it is. If you finally do manage to flag one down and decide to order yourself anything besides alcohol: “Good luck getting another drink tonight, you party-pooping, cheapskate sack of dog shit,” said the bartender last time I gave it a try.

You Realize How Filthy The Bathrooms Are
reasons it sucks not to be a big drinker, sober at the bar funny, man pooping and peeing on bathroom floor
As a struggling germaphobe, this is by far the worst thing on the list. Look, I’m not going to the bar expecting clean toilets, but under the harsh light of sobriety, bar bathrooms are utterly disgusting. When I’m drunk and see a sink full of puke, it doesn’t really bother me. Literally any other time, it’s kind of a deal breaker.

Way Too Much Hand Shaking
reasons it sucks not to be a big drinker, sober at the bar funny, that 70s show doctor handshakes
You might say that my last example and this current one go…hand in hand. But seriously, what is the obsession with shaking hands, high-fiving and/or having to make some sort of physical contact every time you run into someone you know at the bar? Some people go as far as the kiss on the cheek greeting. Look, I only know what the men’s bathroom looks like in this place, but if it’s any indication of the utter filth people are walking around with on their hands and faces, I don’t need to get so up close and personal. I’ll hug you if I absolutely have to. Odds are I saw you the last time I was here anyways, but even so, I still hardly know you. What the hell are we hugging for?

If There Are No Good Sports On, It’s A Living Hell
reasons it sucks not to be a big drinker, sober at the bar funny, big bang theory
So you’ve managed to get away from everyone. Time to sit down, pretend you are texting someone back and forth so people will leave you alone, and catch some sports highlights on mute. It’s not ideal, but it works. Well, unless it’s 10:30 and they’ve shut the TVs off so the live band can start playing. Or, even more irritating, there is no band at all and they’ve switched over to syndicated “The Big Bang Theory” reruns for the remainder of the evening.

Getting Hit On Feels Gross And Pathetic Rather Than Flattering And Sexy
reasons it sucks not to be a big drinker, sober at the bar funny, dumb and dumber bar scene
When a woman starts hitting on you at the bar after you’ve knocked a few back, it feels pretty nice to know that someone still finds you attractive in your inebriated state. That’s not so much the case when it’s the woman who’s hammered off her ass and attempting to pick you up, especially when you are stone sensible. Basically what I’m saying is that it’s no fun to be hit on by a sloppy drunk, unless you are also a sloppy drunk.

The Whole Experience Is So Depressing, You End Up Drinking Anyways
reasons it sucks not to be a big drinker, sober at the bar funny, chugs full pitcher
So much for sticking to your guns



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