8 Things Guys Secretly Envy Girls For

Not looking like a pedophile when you play with a kid.

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It’s one thing when girls want to play peekaboo with a baby or have an intense game of hide and seek with a group of little kids. But if you’re an adult male, even smiling at a child who’s acting like a power ranger in line at the supermarket is equal to sexual assault. God help you if you don’t shave, either.

Being let off the hook for a ticket.

Kudos to ladies for benefiting from sexist notions about their inability to operate machinery “like a man.”

Oh my God it was so confusing and scary and the cars were honking and I just panicked and I don’t know this neighborhood and I thought I saw some scary men-

Instead, Men get a stern lecture about “getting their stuff together” on top of a fine, and if you’re black or hispanic, then heaven help you.

Having meals and drinks paid for.

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Sure there are tons of scumbag dudes who think that if they buy you a meal or drink, then they’re magically entitled to some sexy time, but even if you’re dating someone, social norms dictate that a guy is probably going to pay for a girl’s meal, or else they’ll be viewed as some type of cheapskate. It’d be nice to have your lunch paid for, for once.

Crying during a movie and not being judged.

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So you’re sitting in the theater watching Million Dollar Baby and then (spoiler alert!) down goes Hilary Swank right on the corner bench. You were able to keep it together when she broke her neck, but then when Clint Eastwood, the epitome of manliness, pulls the plug and ends her life, you can’t control yourself. You’re by yourself. In a movie theater, weeping like a little baby, and Clint’s watching you on the screen. You need to use the emergency exit so that none of the other guys see your puffy, red eyes. Then it takes a minute of intense bawling to get it all out before you need to face the world and hope it’s none the wiser.

Feeling wanted.

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We’re not talking about cat-calling and typical douchebaggery that guys pull, but pursuing someone in a relationship, initiating sex, proposing; all of these things are usually spearheaded by a guy. Guys want to feel wanted, and asking him if “fries come with that shake” isn’t what we’re talking about. Although that’d be pretty funny.

Clothes with floral patterns.

So if a guy wants to spruce up his wardrobe with some floral patterns he’s usually restricted to some bland ass designs, or poofy Hawaiian shirts made for big, fat party animals. Girls, on the other hand, get the cream of the crop when it comes to flowery clothing, and you could just try and squeeze into a romper like Tay Tay’s above, but it just wouldn’t be the same.

People being nice to you.

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You’re a dude driving a car and you cut someone off? Be prepared to possibly fight to the death. Carrying groceries up the stairs? Hope you’ve been hitting the gym. Need a door opened for you? Go fuck yourself. The gentler sex can expect to be treated with kindness (excluding misogynistic hell-holes) more often than men. Good luck getting help changing your tire when you’ve got a Y chromosome.

Not being judged for peeing while sitting down.

Urinals are disgusting; there’s always some type of misty splash-back that coats the fly of your jeans, and when you pee standing up, you don’t always get all the piss out. You sit back down and then all of a sudden, some timid droplets come rushing out your peehole, making you uncomfortable all throughout dinner. Sitting down while peeing is civilized, and true, standing to leak is super convenient, but if a guy wants to piss sitting down, he shouldn’t be looked at like any less of a man, dammit.

8 Things Guys Secretly Envy Girls For


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