The 8 Types Of Masturbation

The 8 Types Of Masturbation

It’s the crown jewel of autoeroticism. You’ve got the place to yourself and all the time in the world, so you decide to make the most of the opportunity by freely streaming pornography with the sound turned way up and touching yourself in a manner that would make the baby jesus weep salty tears. In the time it took you to do something that usually takes about 3 minutes, you could have been productive in any number of ways. As far as you’re concerned, it was time well spent.


You wish you were all alone for the night, but unfortunately you’re not. Your roommate could be home at any minute and it’s now or never. You lock your door, put your headphones in, and work as efficiently as possible to avoid any impending awkwardness. No savoring it…


By now you’re a pro at loving yourself, but that wasn’t always the case. We don’t have to talk about it, but at one point in your upbringing, something pertaining to this list happened that’s both extremely embarrassing to you and extremely funny to anyone else who knows about it.


J-ing O is usually something you do because you want to, but occasionally it’s something you do  because NOT doing it would suck really bad. For whatever reason, our bodies were cursed with certain biological discomforts that you just need to deal with. It’s not at the top of your to-do list, but you might as well get it over with.

You can’t find anything good on Netflix. Why not, right?


They say it takes two to tango, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes your tango partner isn’t in the mood to dance and so you have to get out there on the dancefloor and cut a rug all by yourself. Is it slightly sadder dancing a two person dance all by yourself? Maybe. When the rhythm strikes you, who are you to refuse the call. (Just to clarify, by dancing alone I mean masturbating when your partner doesn’t feel like having sex. Just wanna make sure that’s clear.)


It’s 2 a.m. and you can’t sleep. You’ve tried warm milk. You’ve tried watching a little TV. You’ve tried just about everything, but you can’t seem to shut your brain off. If you’re gonna get some Z’s tonight you’re going to have to take matters into your own hand. (Wink) It doesn’t always work, but, hey, even if you don’t get to sleep, at least you got to masturbate.


We all do it, amiright? It’s perfectly normal, right? RIGHT?!?!?!

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