THE 9 MOST AMAZING THINGS EVER SNORTED
When I was a wee seventh grader during a sleepover at my buddy’s house, we crushed up a bunch of Smarties and snorted ourselves into a sugar high the likes you don’t come down from. That night, I learned an important lesson about the dangers of rocketing particles up my nasal passage directly into my nascent brain: don’t do it. Perhaps if the folks below had as fine an upbringing as mine, they would’ve learned such a valuable lesson, too, and they wouldn’t have performed such unfathomable snorts. So I guess what I’m saying is, as an inexpensive form of drug prevention, we should be assigning our nation’s middle schoolers lines of Smarties to snort. Somebody get the Secretary of Education on the phone!
Keith Richards once told NME magazine the following: “The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared … It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.” Though the story’s veracity may very well be of the mythic variety, I think it’s still important to include here, because Keef had to have been snorting something pretty amazing just to make that up. Also, it’s a meme now, so it might as well be true.
You know when Tommy Lee is calling you “f–king crazy,” then you’re f–king crazy. But that’s the realization the Crüe came to when they toured with Ozzy back in 1984. After piles of cocaine and vats of booze on the tour bus one night, Ozzy emerged into the morning sun and saw a popsicle stick on the ground with a trail of ants lining up for a lick. He bent down, covered one nostril, and ripped a rail of insects! Of course, now he’s incapable of completing full sentences or clapping on beat. And yeah, he’s a comedic shadow of his former Prince of Darkness persona, but thanks to this story, at least his legend remains intact.
I don’t know how I always miss out on the fun stuff the kids are up to these days — perhaps because I have such a busy television schedule — but I can’t believe I never heard of this trend. Apparently, you crazy kids have been snorting condoms up through your nose, then pulling them out of your mouth like it’s a piece of ribbed spaghetti. I always found that spaghetti trick to be pretty amazing, but this is far more amazing. Except for when you have to blow your load, or your nose, or both.
I was once at a girl’s birthday party at a sushi joint and there was a lot of consumption going down. Much merriment, you could say. Eventually, for reasons I’m still trying to piece together, Psi, a local bartender and my mother’s personal trainer for a short while back when she was ripped, took a quarter-sized ball of wasabi and stuck the whole thing up his nose and snorted it back. I think his nose is actually still bleeding.
Never underestimate the scary things you read on Reddit, as I found out yet again whilst scanning the depraved depths of the “What is the dumbest thing you’ve snorted?” thread. While some of the claims seem a bit far-fetched, I think I believe this guy, who says that after a long night of coke bingeing, he mistakenly found a chunky white rock on the floor, figured it was some bonus coke, then ended up with a nose full of deodorant that had been dropped on the floor. Which is why I’ve always been a spray kind of guy. Although, judging from the video above, that’s not even safe anymore.
“…I’m in this f–king drug dealer’s place, scraping shit off this table, which had visible f–king blood mixed in. I was scraping up blood and cocaine, and I f–king snorted it. I was snorting up dried blood.” –Steve-O, reflecting on the one moment in his life that actually stands below all the other low points. This from a man who likes to light himself on fire. Bloody cocaine: it’s a helluva drug.
Technically, it’s not really snorting, more like inhaling, but it’s a nose thing, and it gives me a chance to plug Mandatory writer Tommy Gimler’s hit song, “Huffing Some Jenkem.” In case you’re a square, jenkem is a hallucinatory inhalant that comes from fermented human waste. It takes “getting high on your own supply” to grave new lengths. If you really want to have shit for brains, this is the way to go. Just ask Tommy.
Baby powder seems like one of the gentlest substances around, seeing as it spends a large amount of its time softening up baby bottoms. But as soon as you start snorting it, it stops being benign and starts being really effed up. While I’m greatly disturbed by this lady with the Johnson & Johnson habit, I’m more concerned by the fact that she doesn’t feel like it’s at all out of the ordinary. However, she sure looks relaxed, almost Buddha-like, while she’s snorting. Maybe she’s onto something.
McDonalds French Fries
I remember being so bored in high school that I’d do a lot of stupid shit to kill the time. But pulling tubers through your nasal cavities? McDonald’s french fries aren’t all that good for you going down the right tube. The best part of the video above, aside from the fact that this guy doesn’t permanently clog up his nostril, is when he’s psyching himself up and says, “Man, this is going to be f–king intense.” And his hilarious buddy goes, “Like camping? Get it: in tents?” And then another buddy calls the punster “retarded.” Yet no one seems to be directing such a jab at the actual moron here. That’s the beautiful thing about high school: No one really tries to talk you out of doing stupid shit because everyone else is curing their boredom by watching you do it.