THE 9 DUMBEST FRAT GUYS EVER
What is it about being in a fraternity that makes you prone to poor decisions? Oh, wait, I remember: having all those dudes around. I’m not ragging on you, bros; I had the dumbest times of my life while fratting it up, too. But at least all the frat guys I hung with were coming from a place of fun. The boys in the following true tales, however, might have taken things a smidge too far, which is why they’ll go down as the dumbest of the dumb frat guys in all the land.
While I could probably find room for most of my old frat brothers on this list (more on at least one of them later), it’d be best if we moved on from the greater Syracuse area. It’s not like we never tried to smash a board or two over our heads, but at least we didn’t film it like these intellectuals, presumably from our nation’s second oldest university, William & Mary. Who else would make a game of breaking boards over your buddies’ foreheads (besides maybe high school dudes who long to be frat guys)? Sadly, the second participant in this mind game doesn’t understand the goal is to hit your brother’s forehead, not his nose. See, it only takes one bad apple to turn an innocent slug fest into a trip to the medical center.
Odds are good, if you’re in a fraternity, that you’ve humiliated your parents on more than one occasion. But if you embarrassed your folks on the level of Brady Eaves, then please let us know about that story in the comments, because you should be on this list. Young Brady got a little crazy on spring break last year. After getting a hamster all goofed up on weed and vodka, Brady was filmed biting its head off, hucking the fuzzy little body over a fence, and then squealing with laughter. This couldn’t have pleased his stepdad, John Arthur Eaves Jr., a loser in the Mississippi governor campaign in 2007 turned big-time pro-life lawyer. Still, eat your heart out Ozzy.
The International Man of Stupidity
The University of Virginia’s own Theta Chi Otto Frederick Warmbier reportedly got himself arrested in North Korea for committing “activities against the state” after staying up drinking until 5 a.m. before his 7 a.m. flight back to China was supposed to leave. Obviously, Otto didn’t make the flight, presumably because he was a loud, obnoxious drunk. Or, perhaps, because he was hungover. Then again, maybe the North Koreans are right and he really is a spy. Either way, what the hell are you doing in North Korea if you can’t handle your booze? That’s international incident stupid.
Setting Himself on Fire Guy
Buddy, what are you doing? First of all, you’re drinking alone at a frat party, which means you can’t even get any of your stunted bros to take the flaming shot with you. And then you go ahead and throw the shot all over your face, which is admittedly a good strategy when someone is peer pressuring and you’ve had enough. Unless, of course, that shot is flaming. Which this one is, because, if you’ll recall, you lit it. Fortunately, you knew right where the sink was (presumably from yacking in it a few minutes ago). Your face came very close to melting off, but hey, at least you’re not a pussy.
The brothers at Penn State’s Kappa Delta Rho fraternity got suspended last year for having a secret Facebook group set up to share house business. This included community service plans and nudes of passed out girls unaware they were being filmed. So everyone in that house, or at least in that group, is not just dumb, but also sleazy. And likely evil. But the dumbest (and douchiest) of the bunch has to be the guy interviewed by Philadelphia Magazine, who anonymously defended his brothers by basically saying it was all in the name of fun, and everyone else sexually harasses women, too, including Bill Clinton. Sadly, that kind of baseless, blameless thinking will likely get him far ahead in the business world.
These Zeta-something E-somethings playing slap-for-slap can’t even do it right. First of all, It’s called punch-for-punch. And while I may have been on the wrong end of one too many punch-for-punch nights, one of which may or may not have ended with my eye not opening and my face in my buddy’s throw-up-filled Yellow Pages, but at least I’m not dumb enough to play the game wrong. So in my mind, these open-handers make the list, not me.
Flamingo Double Homicide
As part of a Pi Kappa Alpha scavenger hunt, University of Southern Mississippi freshman pledge Devin Nottis broke into the local zoo, tried to steal a flamingo, got in a fight with its pissed off mate, and ended upkilling both birds. And he wasn’t even supposed to actually flamingo-nap in the first place; the scavenger hunt just required him to take a picture of the poor little birdies. This takes stupidity well past funny, and into frightening, murderous territory.
Huge Fans of the Nashville Predators
Look, I’m not saying these freshmen girls welcoming signs aren’t hilarious, but you have to admit, the rowdy bunch at Old Dominion University who hung them weren’t really using their thinking caps. They were suspended after the pictures went viral. Certainly, I can see how the signs could be viewed as offensive, and might even foster the rape culture that festers in the Greek system, but hopefully these bros were just joking around and they actually know the difference between right and wrong. That way, I just get to think of the poor dads dropping off their daughters at college for the first time, and how terrified these signs must have made them. Come on, that’s funny, right? Well, if not, then the signs posted the next day at Ohio State University — “Dads, we’ll take it from here” and “Daughter daycare 2.0” — must be. Right? Please tell me that’s funny. If that’s not funny, I have to recalibrate my whole morality system.
Of course that’s not his real name; who could possibly have such a simple name? Certainly not the complex legend I speak of — the inspiration for this list — whose identity I’m hiding since he now runs a highly successful manufacturing company. But back in school, Big John Smith was raising our frat guy game to new levels of idiocy. He was a frat guy of great renown, who inspired those around him to be better frat guys. He was the kind who could tip the scales on a Kill-a-Keg event in your house’s favor with wacky antics like funneling pots of hot coffee, doing milky bong loads through his nose, or playing keg “Donkey Kong” with empty steel keg barrels (like the genius in the video above). He jumped off high things, broke bones, but never stopped partying. And in the end, it made all of us better partiers because of it.