Fame isn’t always peaches and cream. Sometimes it can be downright evil. Of the following nine internationally recognized stars of TV, cinema and music, I am utterly convinced five of them would’ve been better off working the crab-wrangling beat at Sizzler for the past 20 years.
The next time you get those existential pangs and find yourself envying the likes of Pit Bull, remember these tormented stars.
Warrant: Cherry Pie
“I hate that song. I had no intention of writing that song.”
Warrant leader singer Jani Lane regretted “Cherry Pie” almost immediately. In 1990, the album was finished according to Lane, but Sony Music Chairman Don Ienner wanted a hit. Lane wrote “Cherry Pie” in 15 minutes, and it became the album’s title and an instant sensation.
“I could shoot myself in the f**king head for writing that song,” Lane said.
Dustin Diamond, everyone’s favorite adorable dork from the millennial surrogate babysitter “Saved by the Bell,” transformed into everyone’s favorite ’90s celeb to hate.
After Screech ended his four-year monopoly on nerdism in the sitcom world, he launched into full-blown dick mode. He starred in “Celebrity Fit Club,” where he antagonized contestants and even challenged tiny flamboyant comedian Ant to a brawl; he made his own sex tape; and he wrote the autobiography Behind the Bell in which he claims to have had sex with 2,000 women. Cool-guy Mark-Paul Gosselaar, famous for playing cool-guy Zack, referred to him as a “dick” on HuffPost Live.
It seems under the hapless romantic geek known as Screech lies a boiling cauldron of womanizing and withering regret over a one-hit-wonder status.
Orson Welles wrote, directed and starred in what is perhaps the best movie ever created, “Citizen Kane.” He was 25. He soon grew drunk, fat, and embattled against the Hollywood establishment.
In the twilight of his career Welles did commercials for frozen peas and became the brunt of jokes in the horticulture community over his bombing in wine commercials. A genius who reached the pinnacle of acclaim too early, Welles died emotionally destitute in 1985 and his funeral was held in the ghetto.
Welles: “We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone.”
“Please stop watching it. Please stop filling your head with filth.”
He was the highest paid child star on television, pulling in a reported $300,000 per episode. But lately, he is looking more and more like a Mennonite.
Angus Jones played Jake Harper in “Two and a Half Men” for a decade. He has since been baptized and fosters nothing but disdain for the popular CBS sitcom. Jones has stated his role conflicted deeply with his religious leanings, and the subject matter was blasphemous. This may be due to sacrilege superstar Charlie Sheen operating mere feet away from the devout child actor.
He left the nine-time Emmy-Award-winning show in 2013 and appears to be leaving acting forever.
“Make like a tree, and get out of here.”
Arguably no one has captured the essence of the asshole more accurately than Tom Wilson. Biff Tannen is every loser’s worst nightmare, a menacing lout of a man hellbent on the destruction of his lessers. And he’s quite the popular boy, too. Wilson became so fed up with the repetitive nature of inquiring Back to the Future geeks that he printed out his very own FAQ sheet to hand out.
Wilson, today a stand-up comic and working actor, even released a fetching ode titled “Biff’s Question Song,” which has attracted a cool 3.5 million views on YouTube.
No one knows why he suddenly departed from “Chappelle’s Show,” but one of the more popular theories is that his comedy fell on the wrong ears.
Over and over, unruly fans often blurt out quotes from the short-lived sketch show, notably “I’m Rick James, bitch.” It’s surprising that such a talented, respected comedian can be tortured by the popularly of a character. But it’s a legacy Chappelle has to live with on his tours and in his private life.
Vanilla Ice has worn many hats – he’s been a Rastafarian, a Motocross racer, a real estate agent, and a Juggalo. But he will always be known best as the fresh ‘n’ fly hip hop hayseed straight outta Dallas.
In 1990, Van Winkle exploded onto the scene with “Ice Ice Baby,” and over two decades later, it is still his best hit. He attempted to overdose on heroin in 1994 and he has often tried to destroy the hit that made him. Whether he would’ve fared better as a real estate agent is a toss-up.
When asked if it were bittersweet to finish his last “Twilight” film, Robert Pattinson told Jimmy Fallon, “For them.” It seems Pattinson has never quite respected his role as the tough and tenderly sentimental bad boy vampire Edward Cullen, nor Stephanie Meyer, the author of the Twilight series. “It was like it was a book that wasn’t supposed to be published.”
Apparently no one hates “Twilight” and Edward Cullen more than Pattinson. Respect. Here’s to wishing him success in escaping the death-clutch that fame as a tween idol.
Led Zeppelin: Stairway to Heaven
“I’d break out in hives if I had to play that song every show.”
Though by no means a one hit wonder machine, Led Zeppelin has its share of hated songs. Lead singer Robert Plant wasn’t mincing words when he told the LA Times he’d prefer never to play “Stairway to Heaven” again. The 1971 cultural staple is considered the best rock song, ever. VH1 anointed it the third greatest rock anthem of all time, and Rolling Stone humbly ranked it No. 31.
Hives appear suddenly, and often arrive due to nervousness. I’d wager Plant has a bit of an itchy conscience, considering many believe “Stairway to Heaven,” among other Led Zeppelin songs, to be a ripoff.