Opposite Day – January 25th.
This would be impossible to celebrate properly. First there’s the varying level of dedication. Sure you can swap out coffee for tea, boots when you’d normally wear sneakers, but what about the airline pilot who decides he wants to be a passenger and lets Phil from Seat 18B fly the plane? Keep this one off the calendar, folks.
Put On Your Own Shoes Day – December 6th.
All right you little fucks – yes I’m talking to you, kids everywhere. We’ve had enough of your shit, always complaining to us grown-ups to bend down and tie your shoes. We’re just trying to get out the door so we can get to the supermarket in a reasonable amount of time. It’s a goddamn shoe. It isn’t a motherfucking Rubik’s Cube. Come December 6th, you’re all plopping down on the ground and putting on your own shoes. Make sure to double the knot, I don’t want them shits falling off, either.
Evaluate Your Life Day – October 19th
Otherwise known as “I’m This Close To Suicide Day”, like the title suggests, you’re supposed to evaluate your life. The horror, oh the horror.
Bad Poetry Day – August 18th
Technically this is almost every open mic jam you’ve ever attended. If you’re having trouble coming up with some bad poetry, just make a lot of food to gender inequality analogies and somehow tie in a painful childhood memory, and recite all of this free-verse gibberish like William Shatner would. Lots…of…pauses and breaths! Ugh, I hate this holiday already.
Ditch New Year’s Resolution Day – January 17th
OK so the new job search hasn’t been going so hot but you’re trying to stay positive, and the taste of your juiced kale and carrot-apple-whatever-the-fuck is starting to annoy you. Then you see a doughnut place situated right next to a fried chicken joint and all is lost. You find yourself on a park bench realizing you’ll be the same loser you’ve always been, a belly full of sugar and grease. Or not, I mean, you don’t have to celebrate this holiday.
Supreme Sacrifice Day – March 18th.
With the most ominous name for a holiday ever, Supreme Sacrifice Day is supposed to be about doing good for others. You know, buy the guy behind you a cup of coffee, give a homeless dude a sandwich, pee in the toilet instead of the sink at work, stuff like that. But what it’s really about is ritualistic sacrifices. So sharpen your stone knife, or find a volcano and prep your virgin.
Plan Your Epitaph Day – April 6th
You should really consider celebrating this holiday or you might end up like the man above. In all seriousness, how many times can you plan your epitaph? Are you going to add more and more shit to it by the time you die, so then you’ll have a tombstone that has War and Peace carved into it. For the record, I want my tombstone to read: “Buried Treasure.” I’ll also instruct my children to fill my body with anthrax. Your move, grave robbers.
Name Your Poison Day – June 8th
All right so technically you’re supposed to celebrate this Holiday by indulging in something that’s bad for you like your favorite drink or dessert or whatever, but that shit is lame. Go all out and try an actual poison like arsenic, or cyanide, or a marathon ofKeeping Up With The Kardashians. On second thought, you’re probably better off with the cyanide. (In all seriousness, though, don’t ingest poison. Not cool.)
Be Nasty Day – March 8th
On this Holiday you must travel back in time and kill and replace third-tier WWF Tag-Team champion group, The Nasty Boys. You’ll need a partner to do this.